honey, I am screwed up again!!!!

When I was a kid my mom use to tell me that there will one such beautiful day when someone very special will land up in your empty heart and will make your life worth living.

Well guys, this entire post is dedicated to that special girl my mom was unknowingly talking about.

To start with, I know this girl since April, 1999. Despite being the girl next door, we never talked for around 1-2 years .I didn’t talk coz I was very shy and she never talked coz……coz she didn’t bother, probably she didn’t even know who I am. Just being an another face in the crowd and crowned yet another admirer of her was something that was definitely not enough to impress that cherubic beauty.

I remember the first time I talked to her, face to face, and trust me guys, I don’t remember anything other than she said “Hi” to me. Even her HI had all surs n taals at right places. I was kinda elated at her greetings coz atleast for that specific second; it was just me who was in her mind.

What I remember is….well… she looked stunning. Porcelain like skin with ebony black hair not to mention those pink gossamer lips that whenever parted would have compelled even Mona Lisa to smile. Can’t dare to forget those dark penetrating eyes fabricated with long sharp lashes that sometimes blink so slooooowwwllllly that u could feel the very core of your heart melting deep inside in ecstasy. When she speaks, it feels like a cold zephyr near Pacific at midnight under the sheet of refulgent moonlight setting the strings of your very heart to play some distinct staccato. Has she smiled, those dimples indenturing her cheeks, and I would have just sighed in contentment. The best feature was the fringe of her hair that used to come over her face every now and then and she elegantly, without being slightly perturbed, puts it back behind her ears. Believe me, for last 10 minutes, I am searching for a perfect word to express that quaint feeling I had at that point of time and as of now, I accept defeat.

Being clean bowled by her angelic beauty, I maneuvered all the basic steps needed to amass any of her attention. I even Googled “how to make a girl fall for you”. And after hours of vigorous study, what I realized is that every research insisted on two things;

1. Stay cool.

2. Crack a joke.

Few days later, one evening, I did get an opportunity to talk to her and this is what happened

Me (Folding up my arms, the "stay cool part"): So you are the one who recently got transferred to this place?

She: Yes

Me: Where is your house?

She: that right block, top floor

Me (with a wink): ohh, so you are the neighbor of that semi bald guy having those funny Charlie Chaplin moustache who use to laugh violently for no reason.(that was my JOKE)

She started laughing (and I patted my back thinking,heyy this really works), THEN the tone of her laugh changed, THEN it became weird and THEN suddenly she became quiet and THENNN she said those three golden words that I really hope you guys do hear it million times before you die ”hez my dad”

.

.

.

.

.

.

The number of dots between this line and the last one is the no. of paused seconds we had.

Me (with a shameless smile): well, he seems to be a real knowledgeable guy.

(DAMAGE CONTROL of no use, it was just like planting a TULSI sapling @ Hiroshima to control future environmental pollution just a minute after the atom bomb was dropped).

From that point of time, she started treating me like manure that has grown up with legs and hands. She always gave me her stern cold but glaring gazes. I apologized zillion times but with no success.

No surprises, I had caricature such a disastrous picture of mine in her heart that if ever anyone would have asked her views about me, she would have come up with something like this

“What I remember is...well...he looked horrible. God must have been in awful mood while creating him. Skin like roads of Bihar with dirty black hair curled up in mud just assures that designing team @ god's place is newly recruited. Not to mention those thin colorless lips that whenever parted could have compelled even Leonardo Da Vinci to draw Mona Lisa crying. Can’t forget his long dark hairy eyebrows with blunt eyelashes that never blinked while talking to me...yeeewww, how come he was not offered the role of KRRURR Singh in CHANDRAKANTA, ohh got it, probably he was busy playing the character of UGLY NAKED GUY in FRIENDS. Marrying a guy like him would have ensured the next 7 generation of mine, a permanent membership in the ZULU tribe of SOUTH AFRICA.

However, I never stopped trying (as my grandma says, never give up until you succeed/die) and things do improve between us. How, When, Where,Why..Cya soon

That’s enough for now!

PS: I didn’t even ask her name and why this hell on earth, I asked first “where she stays” owing to the fact that I already knew the exact x, y, z coordinates of her house.

PS 2: Remember guys, you dare not mock your girl’s dad in any circumstances. You can mock her friends, even relatives and as a matter of fact, even her boyfriend(s) (actually, she may like it, she may think that you are the one who really understands) but never her DAD.

PPS 3: still reading????

Embarrassment De Maxo

After the tremendous success of my last post “how to suck @ facebook” (less than 300 clicks out of which 50% were mine... (ATLEAST), No. of Followers reduced by 4 and many others suggested that title of that post should have been “How to suck @ Blogging”), here I come with this ultra embarrassing new post of mine.

School Pledge

I was given this opportunity to deliver the school pledge in front of 2500 students on one Wednesday morning somewhere during mid September in 1997 when I was in class VI^th.

My name was called and I, draped in white shirt and brown half-pant (we had full pants from class VII^th), well prepared, went to the stage confidently, adjusted the mike (the overaction that I have seen everyone does) and started.

Me: India is my country.

Everyone: India is my country.

Me: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

Everyone: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

And then suddenly

B L A C K O U T

I forgot, damn I forgot everything.

Zero all around, I panicked and I panicked to that extreme that, forget the pledge, if someone would have asked who am I, I would have used 2 of the 3 KBC’s lifelines.

Meanwhile, there was a gap of 7-8 seconds of pin drop silence of 2500 plus 1 student inside the school campus. Everyone was staring at me, eyes fixed and I stood there dumb like a complete bunghole. Fortunately, the choir behind me came to the rescue.

Someone from back: I love my country

Me: I love my country

Everyone: I love my country

And again, in this way, I started, trying hard to regain the lost momentum, however soon I crashed. Her voice was so low that I was not able to interpret what she is saying. So, in order to listen what she is murmuring, I (literally) turned back and just whispered,

WHATTTTT ?

WHATTTTT

This second bold, red colored, 16 font size, highlighted WHATTT (with a sound intensity of 140 decibels) was not from me but from the bunch of LKG/UKG students who constituted the 1^st two rows of the morning assembly and were imitating blindly to everything what I was saying (IF ANY).AND did I mention the chortling laugh of 2500 students that followed by, yeaahh, truly motivating it was.

All I can say is”Thanks to the ISO-9000 CERTIFIED SANYO Mike that ensured everyone, in every nook and cranny of the campus, to hear that “WHATTTT””. I am equally thankful to my honorable Principal Madam whose red angry eyes assured that next year also I will be probably wearing half pants only.

I remember guys, after couple of minutes, my condition became so miserable that the crowd, which, according to the rules, has to retell my lines, were telling 1^st and I was the one who was repeating the same.

Crowd :In the well being and prosperity...& so on.

Me: In the well being and prosperity....& so on.

And yeaahh, u guessed it right, they finished first.

I took a week long leave after that incident.

Smooch Scene

I went to Manipal Institute of Technology for counseling somewhere in June 2005. One evening, I was strolling around the campus when I saw a couple cuddling around in a not so concealed area. The boy suddenly sneaked his hand inside the girl’s.....bag, opened the BAG, and started fumbling with the BAG( guys, I am pretty sure that u understood what BAG signifies here). Thereafter, they started osculating. The intensity of the kiss was directly proportional to the number of people around (and there were many).After few seconds, I felt like confused that has the girl lose her ring or something inside the guy’s mouth? Cos she was constantly burring herself more and more inside his mouth, the more she buried, the more my mouth gaped and my balls widened............( Eyeballs assholes Eyeballs).

You guys must be pondering that what is embarrassing in that, well NOTHING as such except for a 45 year person who was standing just beside me, looking in the same direction with same utter dismay and to whom I have been calling DAD for last 18 years of mine.

I turned towards him , he turned towards me

I smiled, he smiled

And I just said” “eeewww, I hate this place”

I loved it though, heaven of my dreams

He just smiled and walked away. I followed him not before peeking the last glance of the fist Live Porno I ever watched.

PS: I am still not over that gang bang of mine (child abuse in short)

PPS: I still repent why I didn’t go to Manipal.

Booze party @ NITW

To begin with, I am not an alcoholic, but I have always been a integral part of all booze parties.
Reason:its total fun.

20th Feb 2009,
Final Year
14th block terrace,
around 9:30 pm

Everyone assembled at the terrace,super-excited,enthusiastic,with lots of targets whirling inside their mind. Sparkling eyes tells the rest of the story.Believe me guys, the only place where I have seen the same energy levels amongst guys was Common Hall, Block 13 in our college where everyone use to assemble together to watch sleazy flicks at midnight during 1st year.

As usual, the party started with few "meant to be broken promises" like

1. Today, I wont drink more than 2 pegs.(LOL)

2. Today, gonna be the last day of my alcoholism.(ULTRALOL)

3. Today, no drama afterwards.(ROTFLOL)

So things started to move, Being a non-drinker,I was assaying the whole crowd. Almost everyone had 1 glass half filled with RCs, Fosters etc etc.Bartender Kammo/Ron was serving others with full dexterity taking the occasional sips in between.

After sometime
Me: Oye Katte(real name AMIT), you said you won't drink more than 2 pegs and now you are gulping down the whole bottle of RC.
(
About Amit, well, he only drinks in two occasions:
1. when he is thirsty.
2. when he is not.
)
Katta (with a legendary PJ): yaar, I promised to have 2 pegs but did I mention anything about bottles....
I pleaded for Apology.

1st hour was smooth, it was only after an hour when things geared up. When the ones who take more time to reach THE HIGH starts targeting those who reach it in a very short span of time.

Rathi: Dev sir, aap batao! aapse woh ladki pati kyun nahin jisper aap bohut senti they?
Dev(somewhat @ HIGH): leave man, dont ask, today we are having a gala time. I don't want to spoil everyone's mood.

Rathi didn't asked again.
.
.
After another 5 min
.
.
Dev:You want to know na why things didn't worked out between me n PIRYA(name "almost changed" on Dev's request)...
and then he gazed towards Rathi..he was busy somewhere , least bothered about what Dev is babbling....

Dev contd: Since you are insisting, I will tell u.
It was only after 20 min when Rathi realized the gravity of his mistake.
As expected, Dev was never ending, giving every minute details, some original, some fake. Felt like watching kahani ghar ghar ki without any breaks in between.

Dev( with sudden adrenaline rush): Why this happened to me, Why Why Why,Where I was wrong.Where,Where Where,How come I was back stabbed,( I anticipated another HOW,HOW, HOW in my mind,though it didn't happen)Damn, I lost her.
The pinnacle of emotional drama followed.

"I wil never get her. I still love her.I cant forget her" and then

uuuuuaaaaa uuuuuuuaaaaaa uuuuuaaaaa

(Dev gonna kill me for this)

He was hemmed in by everyone. All started to give those Socrates kinda superhuman suggestions.Worst, some even started to narrate their experiences.

WTH

In between, me and Kammo,standing near the edge of the terrace were laughing like anything
Me : wat an asshole
Kammo: Whatever, this guy made my day.

Then commenced another melodrama
Katta this time
He came to me and said:I want to talk to you, its very personal and I want just you and me. Is it possible for you.

Guys, thats what Katta told me in ENGLISH..I never understand that why people tend to speak English after they are drunk.

Katta: Vineet, mein teri waali ko line nahin maarta.mujhe pata hai tere ko yehi lagta hai per plzz yaar really bata raha hoon,ekdum sach sach(AND IN HINDI ALSO),mein kabhi bhi uske peeche nahi bhaagta,maa kasam.
Now,this he wanted to say to me in private and trust me while telling, he was so loud(3D dolby-digital with cinema surround sound) that few more from the 2nd floor came listening.

And then came Ravi Goyal
fully drunk, legs shaking, hands trembling
Ravi: Bhai, tu mujhe apna bhai nahin maanta,
Before I start questioning/explaining

Ravi: But I consider you as my brother,(ohhhh,again damn to English) beaaccccaauuuuse( it took him 3-4 seconds to spell it) its u only with whom i can share my Dil-ki-baat.Can I tell you bhai?

His 15-20 minutes DIL-KI-BAAT was a real pain in the ass.Though, I must confess that when he concluded, I felt good .
Its because eventually he said: bhai, I am telling this just to u only because you are very close to me and I really feel you understand me(!@#$). I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?
Me: no way, dude
Ravi: I love u bhai
me : yuckkkk

I have heard that after being drunk, people do blurt out truth . I was happy coz someone considered me that way.
15 min later
I saw Ravi with Satpal
and see what Ravi was telling
Ravi: bhai, I am telling this just to you only because you are very close to me and I feel you can really understand that. I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?

Me to Satpal: he told the same story just now to me also.
Satpal: he has been telling me the same story for last 3 booze parties, I have memorized it by now. By any chance, if he forget any part while telling, I remind him also.

Hence, 1 more myth was cleared..drinkers are liars too.

Story isn't over yet( Ohhh Shit)
After every single drop of liquor got over, left to do nothing,everyone started teasing Motu(ankit)
Everyone: u don't have the balls to talk to that girl motey, u suck, u don't have bones.
MOTU: bring the phone, u suckers, just bring the phone, I will call her right now,u see, don't you guys ever dare to challenge me.
Some son of a bitch took motu's phone only n dialed the no.(loudspeaker mode)

Ring Ring
thathak(some1 picked up the call)
Motu: Hellllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo (as loud as possible,)
Gal:whoz dis(with full American ascent)
Motu:Saali, tu mere se pat ti kyun nahin.Bata saali,bata. Saali mere mein problem hee kya hai.Kya kami hai mere mein jo tu mere ko dekh kar muh fer leti hai.

The gal started listing all his shortcomings .

Motu(after some 2 min,with full force): Chup saali, Bohut bolti hai
and then SHE(& not HE) hung up the phone.
Guys, this was real fun. Won't forget ever.
However, after this bacchanalia got over,the real hassle started for the non-drinkers like me. Many have puked,many were lying here n there. Me, Sourab, Balai etc have to make sure that everyone reach their respective rooms comfortably.
However, while we were carrying the wobbling Katta, he suddenly lost his temper.
Katta:Ron, I am not drunk, I am fully conscious and I can reach to my room on my own. I don't need anyone's assistance.
Guy: hmmm, I know, by the way I am not Ron, I am Vineet.
AND finally when I was coming down the stairs, this is what I heard,
Ravi was telling to Sourab:bhai, I telling this just to u only because you are very close to me and I feel you can really understand that. I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?

I love that guy.

PS1: sorry for writing such a long post.
Ps2; those who blurt out their secrets when drunk are not the REAL drinkers.
PS3: happy friendship day guys

Life @ DPS(Delhi Public School) Vindhyanagar

28^th April,2000, around 7 am in the morning

My 1^st day in a new school( in class IXth)

I was standing outside the school gate gazing at the school edifice, a bit lost, supplemented by jittery when suddenly a bike jostled passed me, almost hitting me out and then rushed inside the school campus.

I squalled: “Wot d HELL”,

The guy didn’t give a shit and went away.

Well, that’s the first magic moment I remember about being in DPS. Many more to come I presumed.

Making my way into the class, escorted by none, I was quite aware of the unwanted attention I m gonna get. Same happened. As soon as I embarked inside, everyone environed me and then hell lot of questions were shot. It felt like more of a NARCO test than a mere intro. Worse, whenever a teacher enters into the classroom, whole class erupts hollering “Sir, new face, Sir new face” . (arey , I am carrying this new face for last 14 years)Then again begins the same set of questions. I stammered a lot while answering as I was not that fluent in English that time (pls don’t ask the current status) but somehow I managed. I continued to be a NEW FACE for at least next 2 weeks.

Already having a high opinion about DPS that it’s a hub of highbrows, well furnished classrooms and clean bathrooms (relatively) just fortified my conception. The school campus was impressive and so were the girls’and even more were their debonair skirts. Few skirts were so small that sometimes I felt that they are wearing the same skirt since class 4^th. (Mind u, I was in class IXth).

DPS was ofcourse different. Bunch of cool guys and hot girls (conditions applied) using all those status-defining words like Cool man, Yo baby, Wassup Dude etc etc do attracted me initially. Unlike my previous school, English seems to be the communicating language here. (At least when u are speaking to a girl). Even I became use to this show-off life soon. I remember after few months, when, yet again, I was standing outside the school campus gazing at the edifice, a bit lost when suddenly a bike jostled passed me almost hitting me out, thereafter rushing inside the school campus,
I squalled: Wot the FUCK (saw the difference?)

And this time, that guy returned the favor by showing up his middle finger.

All I can say, it was Cooooooolllllll

Nevertheless, Morning assembly was harrowing. Scheduled to start at 7:30am, I never saw it to begin before 7:50. Other than that, every aspect of it sucks. The real pain in the ass was the when the commander of the assembly announces” Now I will request our honorable (=?) Principal sir to please address the assembly” and believe me, u can see, in unison, 3000 head dropping dead altogether.

Holy shit, his addressing, or rather molesting, of assembly lasts for almost 45 min daily. Standing in scorching summer with sweat dripping down the skin, I must confess, this task was horrendous. He use to start with” Yesterday I have told that…..” and then whatever he has told yesterday, he repeats it and then only comes to TODAY’s business. Just imagine our pathetica after weekends. Everyone, from a mere class 2^nd toddler to the elite panel of teachers used to curse him but still it continued every single day.

However few incidents do happened that I will never ever forget in my entire life.Gonna mention 1 as of now.

Somewhere around September, 2000

Biology class,

Chapter: Life Process-2(This chapter dealt with human reproductive system­)

I can see the anticipation in everyone’s eyes before the class. I was quite sure that everyone knew everything but still, during the class, everyone was giving “ wots this shit all about” look. While madam was explaining even the minute explicit details of the chapter, she never even tried to raise her head from the book. Probably she was also knowing that these guys do know everything. In between,I saw a lot many guys giggling in mischief, girls were literally biting their lips to control the urge and damn! trust me,few guys were making notes as well. Mam, after finishing the lesson, asked as usual, whether anyone is having any doubts or something, to my utter disbelief, one guy raised his hand. Whole class turned towards that guy with an immense anticipation.

This guy didn't let us down

The guy just said "mam, we want practical".

Whole class burst into laughter.

Few more incidents in the next post.

PS:back to using the word HELL these days.

PS2: I was not that guy.

Chat rooms !!!Accept or Decline

Mid may,2007, at home
Around 1 o'clock in the night,
Enough of boredom,I opened on my Laptop,logged on to Yahoo-messenger only to find no one online. Irritated, I entered one of the chat room as Vineet_insomniac,pinged few girls(>10).
Result:lots of my HIs and their instant BYEs .
AND then, BANG, a eccentric brain wave hit my mind. I came outside the chat room,changed my profile name to...well....alone_arpita.

Bounced Back @ Chat Room Mumbai..
Within 2 minutes,3 guys pinged me with HI, ROSES attached with it.
Another guy:ASL(to the point I guess)

I didnt replied, very much like every typical gals do,felt the rejoice in ignoring.

Another guy(straight away): ”Why so alone Arpita”
As soon as I read this guy's msg, I knew that I have got my BAKRA for the night.
So I started
Sameer:Why so alone Arpita?
Me(as Arpita):Nothing as such,life is like a S C R A M B L E D file for me.Pissed off.Just leave me alone.

Just imagine, i wanted to be left alone n to possess that serenity, I have stepped inside a chat room :)
That sucker didnt catch that.

Sameer: feels like u r hvn a bad time. trust me, jus chat with me fr sumtym n u gonna b all well.Many frnds find me soothing.

Me: fine, wats ur name?

Sameer: myself Sameer,I m 22?how old are u?
Me : I am 22 too
Sameer: Frm were?
Me: Mumbai.
Me : Wat do u do sameer?
Sameer:come on Dear, call me SAM, we r friends now yaar.
( MY goodness, its nt even 5 lines and we r friends??
Wacko!!!!, as per this guy, we shud hv a baby boy by 100 lines n probably twins at 200)

me: k
Sam: wat do u do arpita?
Me: Final Year, ABC College
Sam: Must be Placed by now!
ME: yeaahhh
Sam: wer?
Me: Jord International
Sam: Watz the package?
Me: 55000 per annum.
Sam: man, that’s too low, how u gonna manage?
Me: excuse me, that’s 55000$ per annum, job in Sydney. Mind ur language. And dont u bother abt my managing skills...blah blah......
Sam: fine fine fine, I am sorry ARPI
Me: Arpi?????? call me Arpita, u hv given the privilege,not me, u got it?
Sam: oh so sorry, u r very short tempered gal i presume.
Me: yeaah, sort of, I m sorry fr dat.

(His maafinama went fr some more time and then the casual chat resumed, Guys,I was waiting fr the real moment, when his dark concealed desires eventually burst out , The "LETS TALK DIRTY" stuff. Here came the awaited moment .

Sam: I can understand, why don’t u tell me ur story, sharing sadness divides it
Me(as coldly as possible): nt interested
Sam: fine, let me distract u frm ur pensive gloom.u dont look good wen u r sad.
Me: what, hw cm u knw dat?
Sam: just felt it.

( I was ROTFLOLing)

Sam: lets talk on some other issues then,nythn dat can distract u
Me: like
Sam: Like hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: like watt hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Sam: okk fine lets talk abt sumthn nasty like murder,thrillers or say sex...
Me: wat ?
Sam: I mean if u r matured enuff.
Me: yeaah, I am matured enuff.

Sam: then lets DISCUSS on sex.
Me: fine, wat u wanna discuss?
Sam: okk fine, say...watz ur figure?
Me: didnt get u,wat u mean by dat?
Sam: I mean wats ur size of...silence

and then my melodrama kick-offs.
me: I knew it I knew it,All guys r like that only. U r a bastard, sex-maniac, dats wat u all guys r interested in, sex sex sex sex sex. dont u hv mom,sis in ur home (damn,this dialogue looks pretty cool in hindi), I thought of a good friend in u bt u r real asshole like all others. Don’t talk to me, Ever. I hate u.

(I was loving it though)

Now, look how this guy handles the situation.

Sam: heyy arpita I was just kidding yaar, I was checking if u r also like other characterless gals, I m impressed u didn’t talk dirty. I liked it, I was really analyzing, believe me,
And the worst part

Sam: Mother's promise,arpita!

I was chortling like anything. Banging my head against the pillar.
But arpita was broken.

Me(as arpita): I don’t trust u. :(
Sam : arpita,believe me, I don’t belong to dose low standard pathetic guys. We r from royal delhi family, we hv sum ethics
me : really???
Sam: Trust me arpita, trust me.
Me: u can call me Arpi,

Thereafter we chatted fr another half n hour then as usual like a typical B grade movie hero he said

Sam: u knw wat arpita,u r d 1st gal I hv ever had chatted fr so long, feel like I m getting lost, come-on arpita. we can b BEST frnds naa, infact even more.

(ooooollllllllllaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllaaaaaa moment) well captured.

Me: hopefully we wil,bt stil its too early to comment sam, I mean, trust me even I m talking to a stranger fr dat long n still didn’t lose the interest. u r a nice guy sam, I like d way u talk. U make me smile.

Inside story”Saala kamina”

And then, the very next as expected Qs
Sam: can u show me ur pics?
Me: man its too personal and too early as well, come on, how come in just 1 chat I can show u
few more U DONT TRUST ME rhymes.

me: if u gonna plead again , I m gonna sign off.
Sam: fine fine,i wont ask bt just tell me how u look
Me: well I m around 5’6 lean and fair, U?
Sam:
A file popped up with an option ACCEPT OR DECLINE, I accepted and saw his pic, looks like a guy who has been absconding from Tihar jail since 2001,big beard, a bit storky,Dark like coal-tar.

Goshhh!! Am I giving A Description of a guy????? yuckkkkkkk
He sucks.. dats it
Me( now as arpita) : u look quaint, nice looks by the way,and ur specs r cool.
Sam: thnks.I know.

After another 10 min,

Sam: Angel, I just wanna listen to u 1ce, I wont call u again, just 1ce. Can I hv ur no.
After initial NAKHDAS and over action, I agreed
Gave my ph. no.
After 1 min

My phone was vibrating.

I picked up the call and said
Police head quarters, NEW DELHI.how can I help you?
nayee delhi police mukhyalaya, mein aapki kaise madad kar sakta hoon?
(Seems to be a Police customer care and support center rather than a Headquarter)

Beep beep beep beep
He hung up
I waited for sometime, no response. Then I called him. No-one answered.tried 3 times n then he finally picked up the phone.

Me: sir, we just got a call frm ur no.Why u called at this hour?
Sam: sir, just a mistake
ME in an excruciating ,guttural tone: how dare u did dat, dont u hv the slightest idea dat just 1 call of urs like this can end up as a 3 months imprisonment or Rs 500000 penalty or both fr u.
Sam: sorry, sorry......n times....tending to infinity.

Back to me(arpita)

me: Idiot, dont worry,no police HQs, chillax, nothn gonna happen,no 50000 fine n no imprisionment,just 1 thng,u r my Bakra fr d day
Sam: hehehehe I knew u r a guy. Frm d very 1sr wrd only;
and then followed sum slangs embellished with various family members designations,
that session took other 15 min.

me: LMFAO,u suck man,dork, wipe ur face off n jus remember, stay alert wen online.


Overall,it was a fun-fledged night for me,damn i enjoyed.


PS1: That son of a bitch was again online in the same chat room the very next day.
PS2: Anyhow, did I mention, once even I chatted with a gal with the same ID alone_arpita?

twilight

Its not a movie review...

11th December,i.e.the day before yesterday.5 o'clock evening in the office.

Me: Murthy, we should start in around 10 minutes from now.Show time is at 6:50 p.m.
Murthy: cmon Vineet, its just a 15 min drive for me,I know a shortcut.
Me:How come just 15 minutes.Bus 32B(yeahh,its the bus number....what you thought?) takes around an hour to reach.
I was kinda desperate to go to INOX for watching twilight,plus it was at CITI centre, the place in Chennai where you can find the so called variety of humans species called " GIRLS".

Murthy:Chill dude,you just leave everything on me.Same old typical mein hoon naa dialogue.
I froze.whenever he had said that...it had led to disastrous culminations.But I didn't know that today, he is going to add another feather in his cap of continuum screwball.

5:20 p.m.
Me(almost in his knees):Murthy,please bey..lets start naa.We will be late.
Murthy: chill man.
Me: (irritated)asshole u gonna come or not!
Murthy(finally):wait for me at the lower basement.I am coming within 1 minute.

I went and waited.10 minutes gone, still he didn't turned up.I tried calling him.No network.Thanks to Tata Docomo which needs some special medium for delivering the signal.
I came to ground floor and waited there.After 10 min or so,he came and guess what, straight away approached me and asked "where you have been?".
I gave that peculiar stern gaze of mine and replied"paying the final installment to the mafia for killing someone I hate the most"
Murthy:okokok!sit at the back. (as if Honda Activa has other options also)

It was 5:40 pm.

As soon as we came out on to the main road..Heavy traffic.
Cars, bikes, cycles all where moving at the same speed.
We too were driving at a phenomenal speed of 20km/hr.(
All I can say,
In India you drive on the left side of the road.
In Chennai you drive on what is left on the road.
Felt like Wright Brothers must be driving on this road only when they thought of flying.

6:20p.m.
We were still away from the target area.I had no idea where we were. I asked Murthy,are we on the right path?
Murthy(as usual): 110% dude.
Gosh! I love his confidence of never giving up and mine too for everytime giving up on him.
Me : How long from here?
Murthy :10 min
I remembered that 1 minute he mentioned about coming to the lower basement thing.

10 min later he suddenly stopped and asked a fellow passerby: Is this the way to CITI centre?
I was dumbstruck.The 110% sure guy after 10 min was asking the way out.
The fellow replied:nopes..take a U turn.go straight.Take right from some abc statue,left from some xyz hospital.again right...again left.....blah blah.

My mind swirled.U turn I presume.All I inferred from his statement was that we are still way away from INOX. I cursed Murthy from the most bottom of my heart with all my multilingual dictionary of abusive phrases.
We turned 180 degrees.

10 min later,still we were nowhere.

Its 7 o'clock now.Traffic was extreme.mid way saw a deadlock in the road coz of a squabble between a women and van driver.It was funny.Murthy even stopped driving and waited for the result of the fight between the two.Waited for another 1o min for clearance.
Finally we do made it to INOX at around 7:35p.m.
45 minutes late.

I entered the theatre. No one was there to escort us to the predefined seats.We saw the 1st row empty. Sat there till interval(yeahhh....just20 minutes).Movie was good.Kristen Stewart looked godly beautiful.Alas!My mom may search someone like her for me too.

9:15 p.m. movie ended.But ours started yet again.
As soon as we came out,I pleaded Murthy not to take any shortcut this time. I have some work next morning.
We came out but soon we realized that we have not taken the parking tickets in utter hurry.Paid the penalty for that.Then after moving few blocks away, Murthy overdrove the red signal.Police saw us, whistled and we, like an ideal Indian citizen, thought of escaping.But his wide fearless eyes rest assured us that if we are caught,our birth certificates are just a worthless document.
We screeched to halt and tried to negotiate.
Me: Sir, we are completely new to this place.
Policeman:Cmon man, red light anywhere in the world means "STOP".
Murthy:Sir, Spare us this time,we won't repeat this ever.
Policeman:Pay the penalty this time, I won't charge you ever.
Initially he said that he will charge Rs 350 but sweet pathetic faces of us made him to compromise at Rs 200.
(actually for Rs 200, he don't have to go for challans and hence that money straight away goes in his pocket).
While returning saw a bike accident LIVE.No one died but still it had an impact over us.After that,Murthy was driving at a speed of 30kmph on a 8 lane "almost empty" road.

Soon it started raining. We stopped in between for another 30 minutes. It was now 10:40 p.m.
We reached our area at around 11p.m. only to find that Dominos was closed.I slept hungry though kept on cursing Murthy to satisfy my hunger.

so that was the much awaited Twilight movie I watched apparently with a Tube-light.
P.S.: Women won the fight between her and the van driver.Another"as expected"result.
P.S. 2: Murthy was planning to write this post in his blog by replacing his name by me.

2nd year..in CED(Civil Engineering Department)

Every morning in Africa, a deer wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest deer or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter if you are a lion or a deer. When the sun comes up, you better start running.

Guys,welcome to civil engineering department. Daily classes from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. kept us running only.Every morning, I wake up cursing the ever punctual sun and then my room-mates Pankaj and Arpit.In final year,the TnP(training and placement)in-charge took that honor.Even then,no matter when I wake up,I always reach late.Sometimes searching for the room keys,notebook(and not notebookS),socks and trust me sometimes I do wear different color combination of socks in utter frustration.

CED was damn hap.An exquisite mix of students of all states.Seeing different languages varying from hindi,telugu,bengali to marathi,tamil and manipuri and diverse living style of everyone in a single room was altogether a complete different experience.Perhaps,this was the best thing that I liked being an NITian.You can see the cultures flowing in and out there.In just a month or so,the feeling of being a bihari or telugu or mallu, bengali etc. was dissolved.No matter of all the differences we had,there were few things that were common in all of us.
1. we all curse mess food
2. we all hate to wake up early
3. we all(almost) were prompt to bunk classes.

The reason why i wrote "almost" was because of the guys like Ajay(fondly called saanpu coz of his eccentric body structure) who was always into classes like a dog is always into bones.Bunking for him was a sin, a ticket to hell.The almost topper of our department had all the "nakhdas" of being the superior.Just like a superhit actress in bollywood.This guy believed in just one theory of his"A friend in need is not a friend of his".

Classes technically were boring.I remember the Building drawing classes and trust me,I really suck big time in visualizing the 3D image of anything.Cmon,drawing triangular mountains and a circular sun on a chart paper took 20 years of mine,how come the perfection in 3D view come in just one semester.Classes on structures added the last nail in the coffin.Stress-strain curves added stress on my mind and strain in my fingers.Still,whatever be the situation,how boring be the classes,there was fun all around.
All I can say"the road to success is always under construction"
GET IT DONE-CIVIL ENGINEERS

P.S: regardin ajay...this guy had a sea change in his attitude in next coupe of years.More of like a Down to Earth guy( still above many of us) who was always ready to help.

Golden Night

Perhaps my last post on ragging...aahhhh...being ragged.

10 p.m.
Friday Night.
Near cafeteria.
Golden night is the night when you are ragged for the last time...all you can expect in this dead silence of night is ruthlessness at its Everest peak.
We were 10 minutes late to our final destination i.e. the ragging spot.

Scene 1
Senior: Give me a valid reason why you are late.
Pankaj(refreshing his concepts of relativity):Sir, when we were coming, the wind was blowing in the opposite direction as a result of which our relative velocity reduced and we reached late.
Dev(heights of civil Engineering):Sir, due to excessive heat, the tar and charcoal on the road expanded as a result of which the distance between our hostel and this place increased.Hence, we got late.
Gosh!! some one rightly said:Two most common elements in universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
In latter we did our B.Tech.
Sr.then turned towards me and said: So vineet!what's your stand on this?
me: Sir,to err is human.
Sr.(with an affectionate smile): To forgive is not my policy dear.
Me(thinking):PJ..what a crap!
Flabbergasted we were, when he didn't do anything fishy at that moment of time.

Scene 2
We all, the so called 1st years(zero according to them), were sitting in a semi-circular pattern with an incharge-in-chief Sr. at the centre. Rest all seniors encircling us. Our condition was like mice caged in a snake-house prompt to be ingurgitated at any moment of time.

Sr. who was sitting at the centre was half drunk(take it in a +ve way,he was still half empty).Placed in Accenture this guy started narrating a story...
There was a lion who went to a jungle alone.
(suddenly with full swing of hand, he slapped Arpit)
dhaaaaddddd.
Story continued
He saw a cat there and asked "are you single"
dhaaaadddd..this time Himanshu was the victim.
Cat replied"No, I am happily married and have two kids" chotu and munni"
dhaaaaadddd...me got lucky.

The blessed story of his( and the tragic story of ours) went for around 15 minutes with eventually a cow being sent to Mars at the climax.I don't remember what happened in between except all those 50 slaps that were rained all over us in that quick succession.All I can say..HIGH PERFORMANCE......DELIVERED". Awesome publicity of his company.

Afterward there were lot of surprise games enwrapped for us to suffer and them to relish. Numerous free gifts(why they call it free gifts,Aren't all gifts free) were veiled as well.

1. Anchor 1 Minute: In 1 minute, I have to slap the neighbor mate as many times as possible and vice versa.The looser (who slapped less no. of times ) later on, was slammed by equal number of times by the margin he lost..by the seniors. Everytime,it was me who lost....
Interesting one naa, try this at home with your siblings.

Indian Idol:No qualification required.We all, one by one, performed on the dais, the so called patriotic song of our college."yeh NIT ki basti hai'
Can't write the second line else you all will report my blog abuse.


Bournvita Quiz Contest:Play with the girl next door.The seniors asked every minute detail of almost all other girls of our college.Can't go in details, though you can imagine what they asked. Wrong, incomplete, non-attempted answers lead to our asses being hanged till death.

The excruciation carried on and on for around 2a.m. Finally, they made us to stand in a line and ask us to close our eyes.We expected another round of nukes being dropped on to us but this time..well,it was finally over.They handed us the very awaited FRESHER'S invitation.

They all hugged us subsequetly,shook hands,wished all the best and all sorts of "Hum saath saath hai " drama supervened. Himanshu kissed the card in air as if Bill Gates has written all his property in that card. In jubilation, some of us even cried.Some like me faked to cry.Dev,as usual, overacting..."Sir,we didn't expected this today".Though everyone of us was damn sure about this invitation stuff.

Next day, the only thing I remember was, I purchased a tube of Boro Plus to apply it on my tormented cheeks.Even I joined a community in orkut "I love Boro Plus".

What next in my blogpost,I don't know.

Embarrassing exams

Our end-semester exams were scheduled to start from Monday,21st November, 2005.

7:30p.m, 20th Oct.2005(1 month before the exam), in my room:

Me charged up like a inflated Hydrogen balloon.
"From 8 p.m. tonight I will surely kick start my preparation so as to come up with flying colors in upcoming examination and can even opt for branch upgradation."

After 1 month,
20th Nov.2005, i.e. 1 day before exam,7:30 p.m. in my room:

Me like a punctured tyre with no desire to be put to re-use..
"From 8 p.m. tonight I have to kick start my preparation else buckle up for the supplementary examination."

Still half an hour left to eight, I popped out to have a glance at others . Chaos all around, as if year 2012 is knocking at the door. I went to Pankaj’s room( the only thing this guy has learned in his entire 4 years of Computer Sc. Engrr. is Ctrl C + Ctrl V, Save As and Shut Down) for some sort of sympathy.Astonishingly, he too was diving in the quagmire of studies. I panicked.Wow!Sachin Tendulkar studying Quantum physics.

Came back. Turned my notes. On the 1st page of the notebook was a scenery comprising of hills,huts and a sun caricature by me on the 1st day,1st class of my new college life. 2nd page had a train drawn over it.3rd to 10 pages contained scorecards of Raja,Mantri,Chor, Sipahi we use to play during classes. Thereafter came some meaningful notes. In between, again there were lots of blank pages over which it was written in font size 28 ”CLASS BUNKED”
Screwed up.

Night at 12 o’clock.
I started yet again.The problem with bulk of engineering students is that if they are been given 2 hours to study,they will spend 1 hour in counting pages.Being a proud engineer I did that again and again as if the no. of pages gonna slenderize after every enumeration.After reading 5-6 pages, my eyes started becoming dizzy.Inert mind started smothering.Other body parts marched hand in hand with the brain. I started telling myself…

Don't give it up dear. You can do it.
Don't give...up.You...do it....
Don't ...up...do.. it.
Don't...do...it
zzzzzzz.....
I slept off.

Morning 7o’clock.
knock knock
Someone shouting on the door: Vineet, give me the notes.
In only 2 cases, someone asks notes from me.
1.I am dreaming.
2.It’s his notes.
This time it was clause no.2. The guy gave his notes provided it is returned by next morning.Within few seconds, I regained my senses only to discover that I am loosing it.He took his notes away with him along with my aspirations to pass.Still,I encouraged myself by thinking that 7 out of 10 suffer from Maths illiteracy.I love to be in majority.

Exams for me are like Black lady's left ass,it's not right and it's not fair.

15 minutes before only, I entered the dreadful realm of downright depression,Room no. 602.
Many already arrived.Girls came with full make-ups.Black pen, blue pen,violet and red sketch pens all around.Only water colors were missing.The Complan boy(expected topper) even brought lemon and orange juices with him.Together they all were discussing something which was like Da-Vinci Code for me.
Altogether I concluded,there are only 2 things that can save me.
1.Good seating arrangement.
2.Good cheating arrangement.

I didn't get any.
Paper started.I was beseated in the last bench of the middle row.Out of 7 question we have to answer any 5.I knew 2.Solved it in next 1 hour..2 hours still remaining.I was kind of bored.Every second was taking more than a second to pass.Felt like I am watching DRONA movie.I looked above at the PSPO ceiling fan and started counting the no. of rotations per minute.Enough of it, I started contemplating the crowd around me.

Complan boy was writing at an immortal speed as if he is writing for me also.Girls as usual, using all their red,blue, green pens as if they are answering,checking and even awarding marks for all the questions they faked to attempt.The invigilator was showing keen interest in inspecting almost each and every student.Gosh! if he has shown the same interest while teaching us, the magnets of knowledge and curiosity would have activated way before in me(I need to blame someone)Some skilled ones were searching for the right slips in their 6 pocket jeans(purchased for this special occasion).

I too rose according to the demands .I sneaked to catch a flash view of front seated guy's answer sheet.No success coz he concealed his sheet like a CIA secret agent.Meanwhile,the invigilator saw me and said
"I hope I didn't see you looking at Ajay's paper.
"I hope you didn't either" I almost replied.
Another hour fled.
I regained momentum in last half an hour when few godly guys came up for my rescue.Teamwork which is less "me" and more "we" really works.I ended up attempting all the question(5).
Eventually, I must confess that my paper was not as pathetic as I imagined.It was bad for sure still not that awful.

Class assignment(by the Seniors)

Room no. 604
8:50 a.m.
I arrived at the class 1O minutes before in order to grab the last bench so as to complete the 2000 word horrendous assignment given by our senior on a mind-blowing topic " AN AFFAIR WITH AN ANT".The last bench was already occupied by a couple of Maharashtra guys.

Me:Dude,can you give me your seat,I need to complete the assignment.
That guy just flashed his folder sheets in the air over which his topic was written
"Why Parle G and not Parle F"
3000 words
His teary weary eyes truly expressed that he can't write 3000 words about himself..where came this Parle A,B,C,D thing.I expressed my heartfelt sympathy to him like a co-prisoner who is locked up in the same jail.

So, I started writing.Asked for an internet appareled mobile from a friend.Googled the topic and whatever I found...All I can say is that if you are below 18,don't try this thing out.

30 minutes later, I was fully exhausted.Mind clogged.My condition was like a guy who is sitting in his toilet trying hard to Shit,then also ending up with nothing.Guys,truly speaking,writing 2000 words on that silly topic felt like counting 2000 stars in daytime.I was so enervated that once, even I started listening to the chemistry's professor's crap.

After 30 seconds of my traumatic concentration,I turned my head towards my bench-mate.Rolling the pen between his finger,fully captivated in the class, he was noting even the minute details of the Cannizzaro reaction is his king-size notebook as if he has to prepare a national railway budget for the next fiscal year from all those details.An ideal Complan boy I guess.

I started writing again(crap).I tried to wrote a sensual portrayal of the ant.Something like this...
Wearing a tight pink colored T-shirt outfitted with 6-legged blue Calvin Klein torn jeans escorted with a long silky hair(0.2mm),she looked like an angel from heaven(yeeaahhh...the Negro version).Her microscopic hazel eyes when affixed with me, I immediately knew she was the ONE for me.My heart started pounding hard and her delicate antennae blissfully fitted on her head displayed the frequency as 121 beats/second.Holy Mackeral!!!she was implausibly ravishing.Probably James Blunt has sung the song "You are beautiful" remembering that gorgeous babe only.

Thereafter, I wrote "something something" which was completely bullshit just like the last paragraph.Even then,2000 words was a gargantuan task.So, I stopped pestering my timid brain.I took out of The Times of India newspaper which we generally use to bring in the class for time-pass.Some spicy news of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline love mishap was making the top stories.I copied the whole report just replacing Britney's name with her and Kevin's with me.

Around 5 p.m. in the evening, I submitted the uncanny report to one of my most chilled senior.My goodness, he started reading it with 110% concentration word after word as if it's an end-semester's leaked question paper.I shivered as they have strictly mentioned not to copy from any external sources.After around 15 minutes of absolute silence,he said
"well done boy,Good work!"
I relaxed(72 beats/second)now.Felt like a cold-blooded criminal has been denied of all charges and has been declared innocent.Before I can feel the feelings anymore,that senior(walking away with a guileful smile)said
"By the way,Britney and Kevin are having a good time now.Hope you too have a good time tonight at the 5th block terrace at 11p.m....SHARP.

SHIT SHITT SHITTT