Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Classic Incident

September '97
School days

We use to have "unit" tests every 2 months of 1 hour each worth 25 marks per subject during our school days . The test was conducted at our class rooms only and on that particular day, I was sitting with my topper, who was just a hi-bye-go die kinda friend of mine.

Maths it was. Exam started,paper was kinda easy and within 40 minutes I solved everything. Thereafter, I saw my topper,he had also completed everything except the last Qs which he was in the process to solve. 5 minutes later, I saw him again, still trying his level best to unriddle the same. I gestured that I can help but he denied. 5 minutes later, I observed him again and this time, he was sweating like hell. The quagmire of last question was slowly killing him like a colchicine mixed with apple juice. The click of every second passing by was like the sound of his coffin being nailed 6 feet under the ground.
I have always felt that for toppers, marks are binary, its either full(=1) or, if not full, its equivalent to zero.

He, still, unable to solve, deep inside knew that he can't solve it anymore, adding to his misery, was the fact that a dumb witted moron(that's me) has solved it.

3 min left and ahoy! this boy finally gave up and "literally" pleaded "vineet, please show me how u did it"
I smiled(= I won): I sneaked the test copy towards him and within next 2 minutes, he copied everything.
Paper got over.We submitted the answer copy after which i expected at least a heartfelt thanks or even a comforting smile but all this guy managed was a cold stern glare.
WHO CARES, I was glad with my performance and didn't bother much about that.

1 week later,test answer copy was distributed and i got 23 out of 25. My topper got 25/25 and gosh, so happy he was.
I was happy with my 23, a guy who has been sitting for whole of his life in the 3rd last bench sleeping( and sometimes even murmuring in the sleep), for him, anything beyond 18 is a bonus.

Lunch Time
I was chit chatting with a group of 7-8 friends along with the "topper" in that circle when someone asked me " hey Vineet, how much you got in Maths yaar"
I (with a proud smile and virtually patting my back): dude, 23
AND THEN CAME THE REPLY WHICH I AM NEVER GONNA FORGET TILL THE LAST STAR FALLS

he said " haan saale, topper ke saath baitha tha naa"

I was like WHATTTTTTTTTTT
It felt like someone has given me a head-shot with a sniper from a small range.
I looked at my topper and holyshit!!can u believe it, he was looking at the floor,smiling sheepishly with a " ohh come on, no big deal for me" look.

I, mum, was glaring at him,eyes wide opened, waiting desperately for him to clarify but then his ego never let him do the same. That son of a bitch never told anyone that his fucking 25 was because of a 3rd last row guy.

PS: I almost gave up cheating after that.
PPS: but then i needed my 23, and as i grew old, that 23 even out of 50 seemed like skydiving without ropes.
PPPS: these days, Back on track.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

rakhi special !

Case Study: I and My Sister

Title: 36 ka aankra

Case topic: The pros and cons of having a younger sister.

Content

· My sister: an overview

· Issues we have

· My sister’s skillset

· Biased role of parents

· Citing Incidents for proof (I)

· The other side

· Citing incidents for proof (II)

· Conclusion


My sister

My sister is 5 years younger to me. Being the youngest member, she is the one who make rules, break rules and amend the same as per her requirement. Her sweet, cute, adorable face and fake tears are the best ominous weapon she possesses with perfect skill to use the same with precise alacrity.

Issues we have:

To be frank, other than sharing the same set of parents, we hardly share anything else or have anything in common.If I and my sister are talking, it barely takes 10 min for turmoil to start. Thanks to our Brobdingnagian creativity that we always come up with new topic to fight. Trust me, even in selecting a topic to fight, we can have a fight. Now, I am gonna throw some light on the topics we have quarrelled:

· Who will sit in the front seat of the car?

· Who will take the window seat in the train?

· Who will take the new double-rack Mickey Mouse pencil box to school which I (note this) have seen first and purchased from the market?

· Why it’s always butter scotch flavour and not chocolate flavour ice cream that is brought in at home?

· She loves brinjal curry and I love lady’s finger. No point in guessing what is cooked more regularly.

· Why Pok√©mon on TV (and these days, Inuyasha (some Japanese shit which my timid brain failed to comprehend) and not Live cricket?

· Last point repeated…WHYYYYYYYYYY?

Sometimes, I just feel we have more number of issues than probably, India and Pakistan have.


My sister's Skill set:

“Good lord, save the world”

Blackmailing skills: If ever, there were a noble prize in blackmailing; my sister would have been winning it for last 20 years undisputedly. She has such a photographic memory that whenever she wants something from me which I am not accepting, she will just open the account book of my life, would pick up one unfavourable ghastly mistake that I did before (say even a decade back)and the next moment, she will pretend to stomp towards Dad mumbling that today she gonna reveal everything. Next scene: Her foot, my faceL

Remember, I got one New Year greeting card from one girl (who was not even my girlfriend) which my sis, somehow, discovered. The next thing I remember is for the next 2-3 weeks she made me do all her maths and science homework and along with that she compelled me to watch all those stupid animes with her. Condition applied: she won’t tell it to mom.

Acting Skills: I bet 20 on 10. Whenever she is losing any argument (very rare event indeed, you have better chances of seeing Haley’s comet than to see my sister loosing), she will gradually drag the venue of fight near to the place where my mom is sitting and henceforth either of the two under-mentioned casemay ensue

1. Suddenly, within a minute, she may start crying with REAL tears.

2. She somehow brings me inside the hullaballoo as a result of which the whole focus is shifted to me.

In either case, it’s Game Over for me. My mom will lambast me thereafter while my sister in the back ground continues winking at me.

One incident I would like to quote

Once, I complained my mom that Sis always compels me to do her homework. My mom thereafter started berating her. After couple of minutes,

My sis (with teary-weary eyes): you always scold me for minute things but never to bhaiya no matter what he does.

Mom: what did bhaiya do?

Sis: I don’t know, ask him only to whom he was talking to last night at 2, you won’t censure him for this but if I ask him to do my homework once in a blue moon(make it 5 days a week), I will be criticized like I am the one responsible for 9-11…..

Within a fraction of second, the focal point shifts and ultimately, I am the one over which the sinister flash light is now aimed. Needless to mention, next half an hour gets wasted in convincing, pleading and begging my mom that nothing like this happened.

Biased role of parents: it’s an unwritten law. Parents always take the side of the youngest; here I will cite some of the incidents that will stamp the afore-mentioned belief. · Whenever I am returning from college, I use to call my dad and ask “are you coming to station to pick me up?” Dad simply replies” why?? can’t you come alone, you are grown up now, manage yourself L, when my sister is returning from her college, she use to call dad and ORDERS “Dad, don’t you dare bring a Non-AC car to pick me up” and dad just replies “ sure beta sure”

· When I asked my dad for a laptop, I almost gave a power point presentation on the topic “why I need a lappy” giving instances of the usage of Wikipedia, e-books, software etc. In case of my sis, she just said that she can’t ask for her roommate’s laptop (in college) again and again whenever she wants to watch a movie. Within 3 days, she had one as compared to 1.5 months in my case.

· I got “4 in 1” video game cassette (remember those days??) that had games like “Aladdin” and “Jungle Book” in it after I scored 98 in maths in 10th board exams. My sister got a Sony Hi-Fi after she got 90 in the same.

· Whenever we are having an argument, my dad will support my sister, henceforth, she eventually wins. Trust me, I have lost even a debate “who is more important, School Principal or Prime Minister” even though I supported Prime Minister.

THE OTHER SIDE: the beautiful side. I guess I have to accept the fact that it was complete fun growing up with her.She is sweet, adorable and everyone in my family loves her. She knows she enjoys some extra privilege and some extra freedom from my parents but deep inside I knowif I would have been in the place of my parents, I would have done the same. She is so cute that you just can’t see her sad and will do anything that could bring a smile on her face. She lightens everyone’s mood no matter what we are going through. Her foolish mistakes, stupid talks and lamest excuses can make you burst in laughter.

And most importantly, she is a wonderful sis. Following are few set of incidents that I will cite once again (To readers, please hold your patience; it’s almost the last paragraph).

· Many times, she signed my report card, thanks to her incredible talent of replicating my dad’s signature.

· She would happily and elegantly draw all the diagrams in my bio practical notebook without any fuss.

· She helped me memorize all the answers of history, civics, geography (and even maths and science) during board exams.

· She made tea for me million times at mid night whenever I ask for.

· Loved the way she convinced dad that why I should have a laptop, repeated the same when I needed a Digicam.

· Whenever sweets are distributed in her school, she will bring few for me for sure.

Conclusion:

I guess if I continue penning down every incident, I may end up writing till eternity. All I can say, loosing against her every single time was something that enthralled me. I feel amazed the way she acclimatizes to new place and then never complaining about the changes. I loved the way her small eyes twinkle when she gets what she is looking for. I feel honoured the way she started to understand her responsibilities much before I did.

In a nutshell,tedhi hai magar meri hai!Happy Rakhi sis and we still have got lot many memories to build and cherish.

PS: sis, the fight is still on

PPS: almost left blogging these daysL, paucity of time is to be blamed

Monday, May 9, 2011

Letter to God's Meteorological Department

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To

The God

Head of Department

Weather Wing, Chennai zone

CC

The chairGOD

Lord of all wings

Kailash Parbat

Time: 12:30 pm IST

Dear God

Subject: Chennai Weather

I know you must be completely occupied with your December, 2012 plans but meanwhile, with due regards, I would sheepishly like to draw your attention towards the dismal weather scenario in Chennai. Its 2nd week of May and temperature is already soaring up to 44C. Sometimes, it feels that Equator’s epicenter is this place only and we are inside some kind of an unregulated oven. Humidity, BEWARE. Freaking 80%. It takes 20 minutes for the weather here to expose the brand of my baniyan (vests) I am wearing inside. Not only this, I have been sweating so badly that in the last few days I have tasted every salt my body has produced through the sweat and trust me it’s not NaCl(common salt), it taste way weird. About body odour, dude worst!!!! Guess what, if odour were visible, as color is, I'd see the summer garden in rainbow clouds.

God, as per my class 2nd Gulmohar books, there are 4 seasons. (World Meteorological Department later confirmed me as well) But it seems like you have completely forgotten about winter. About spring, don’t you even ask. People have even stopped expecting it here. Probably, the next generations of Chennai won’t even have the description of spring in their school-curriculum. Not fair god. It’s just summer and dreadful eternal summer here. And YOU MR. SIDNEY SHELDON, Nothing Last Forever, HUH, my foot. God, I am not accusing you but literally I feel that the sub ordinates to whom you have given the in charge of Chennai zone are perhaps busy listening to Radio Mirchi 98.3 FM, “its hot” without realizing the fact that Chennai is turning way hotter.

Trust me god, the constant sweating while watching cricket matches (IPL season 4 these days) is exceptionally irritating. You just imagine how you will feel when this same sweating annoys you while you are watching the classy dance of Urvashi and other apsaras.

Dear god, I don’t want to hurt your sentiments. In fact, I am a big follower of yours. I appreciate the way you designed the whole Darwinian thing to take place cell by call, gene by gene, one by one. You also made dinosaurs to extinct which I personally feel that you did the right thing. Do same with the cockroaches. Least to mention, you made India win the WC and I know deep inside that when that winning six was struck, it was not Dhoni, it was you.(okk fine, enough of buttering).

But god, please please pleases, for god’s sake, take Chennai seriously. After all, it’s a metropolitan (according to article 738:1939). Till today, DOORDARSHAN includes Chennai while telling the chaar mahanagron ka taapmaan during National NEWS, then why don’t you include it in your priority list. God please don’t concentrate all the UVs of India over us only. Distribute to Bangalore and Pune as well.

Awaiting immediate response

Truly yours (except in May)

Vineet Singh

Resident, Chennai

PS: That’s it, confirmed, I will go to hell. L

Friday, February 11, 2011

(SIN)gle


Draped in cerulean colored jersey and carbon black denim, I checked myself again in front of the mirror for one last time. Rating myself 20 on 10, I eventually geared myself up to meet princess of fairyland Avantika, my valentine

It’s been over10 minutes that I have been waiting for her near plaza with a bunch of red roses, a “U R THE ONLY ONE FOR ME” card and few Bournville chocolates. It’s been the 10 minutes of sheer excitement and desperation with lot of things going across my mind (typical guy I am, u can easily guess what was going through).

Anyways, she finally arrived and did I mention how gorgeous she looked. She was wearing those ultra seductive red mini (probably micro) skirts with her hairs flowing in tandem with each of her steps. She reminded me of those classic khajuraho sculpture that, atleast in my mind, is profoundly engraved.

She came closer to me, said, Happy Valentine’s Day baby and brushed a kiss through my cheeks. Thereafter I took her to one of the coziest (and costliest) of the restaurants to have our candle light dinner.....

blah blah blah blah

Yeaahh u got it, its never been my story but yupps, that has been the story I have watching a lot around, sometimes it’s so frustrating to see this that I feel like joining Bajrang Dal or Shivsena and then do all those patak patak kar pitaai to all those new bees

Well my story is like yours. I am single and probably romantically challenged. My story has been of a guy who is standing in the platform of a big railway station where lot many trains arrive and go. Though I am quite choosy about the peculiar train I am looking for, I must say whenever I choose a train that train always gives me a waitlisted status which never gets confirm in due course of time. Sometimes there have been circumstances when I just felt that this time it may get confirm, but then suddenly in the last moment some guy with VIP quota grabs my seat. Worst is the Taltkal ticket holders, who come to the station the very last moment, make extra investments that you can’t afford and then swipe your seat just below your feet.

However, being single is not that bad. Whenever I see a new train coming, more elegant and blissful, I feel glad that I didn’t take the last train. I mean there is no point in catching the train that passes through few stations and then cease to move. Adding to that, it feels good that still, all the trains are equally available to me. Needless to mention, these days passengers and trains are changing each other so frequently that you just don’t know that when you are going to hit the jackpot.

But since this is valentine and my train is like super late (probably derailed), I have decided that I am gonna check out all the trains that are coming across. I will also fix my eyes on following facts

1. Which passenger got which train
2. Which train is carrying more than 1 passenger at one time with both the passengers unaware of each other
3. Which passengers have more than one confirmed seat and which seat they finally take?

PS: what a crap
PPS: This valentine I will like to convey the same message that I tried to convey last
Holi and Diwali...PLAY SAFE

Monday, January 3, 2011

honey, I am screwed up again!!!!


When I was a kid my mom use to tell me that there will one such beautiful day when someone very special will land up in your empty heart and will make your life worth living.

Well guys, this entire post is dedicated to that special girl my mom was unknowingly talking about.

To start with, I know this girl since April, 1999. Despite being the girl next door, we never talked for around 1-2 years .I didn’t talk coz I was very shy and she never talked coz……coz she didn’t bother, probably she didn’t even know who I am. Just being an another face in the crowd and crowned yet another admirer of her was something that was definitely not enough to impress that cherubic beauty.

I remember the first time I talked to her, face to face, and trust me guys, I don’t remember anything other than she said “Hi” to me. Even her HI had all surs n taals at right places. I was kinda elated at her greetings coz atleast for that specific second; it was just me who was in her mind.

What I remember is….well… she looked stunning. Porcelain like skin with ebony black hair not to mention those pink gossamer lips that whenever parted would have compelled even Mona Lisa to smile. Can’t dare to forget those dark penetrating eyes fabricated with long sharp lashes that sometimes blink so slooooowwwllllly that u could feel the very core of your heart melting deep inside in ecstasy. When she speaks, it feels like a cold zephyr near Pacific at midnight under the sheet of refulgent moonlight setting the strings of your very heart to play some distinct staccato. Has she smiled, those dimples indenturing her cheeks, and I would have just sighed in contentment. The best feature was the fringe of her hair that used to come over her face every now and then and she elegantly, without being slightly perturbed, puts it back behind her ears. Believe me, for last 10 minutes, I am searching for a perfect word to express that quaint feeling I had at that point of time and as of now, I accept defeat.

Being clean bowled by her angelic beauty, I maneuvered all the basic steps needed to amass any of her attention. I even Googled “how to make a girl fall for you”. And after hours of vigorous study, what I realized is that every research insisted on two things;

1. Stay cool.

2. Crack a joke.

Few days later, one evening, I did get an opportunity to talk to her and this is what happened

Me (Folding up my arms, the "stay cool part"): So you are the one who recently got transferred to this place?

She: Yes

Me: Where is your house?

She: that right block, top floor

Me (with a wink): ohh, so you are the neighbor of that semi bald guy having those funny Charlie Chaplin moustache who use to laugh violently for no reason.(that was my JOKE)

She started laughing (and I patted my back thinking,heyy this really works), THEN the tone of her laugh changed, THEN it became weird and THEN suddenly she became quiet and THENNN she said those three golden words that I really hope you guys do hear it million times before you die ”hez my dad”

.

.

.

.

.

.

The number of dots between this line and the last one is the no. of paused seconds we had.

Me (with a shameless smile): well, he seems to be a real knowledgeable guy.

(DAMAGE CONTROL of no use, it was just like planting a TULSI sapling @ Hiroshima to control future environmental pollution just a minute after the atom bomb was dropped).

From that point of time, she started treating me like manure that has grown up with legs and hands. She always gave me her stern cold but glaring gazes. I apologized zillion times but with no success.

No surprises, I had caricature such a disastrous picture of mine in her heart that if ever anyone would have asked her views about me, she would have come up with something like this

“What I remember is...well...he looked horrible. God must have been in awful mood while creating him. Skin like roads of Bihar with dirty black hair curled up in mud just assures that designing team @ god's place is newly recruited. Not to mention those thin colorless lips that whenever parted could have compelled even Leonardo Da Vinci to draw Mona Lisa crying. Can’t forget his long dark hairy eyebrows with blunt eyelashes that never blinked while talking to me...yeeewww, how come he was not offered the role of KRRURR Singh in CHANDRAKANTA, ohh got it, probably he was busy playing the character of UGLY NAKED GUY in FRIENDS. Marrying a guy like him would have ensured the next 7 generation of mine, a permanent membership in the ZULU tribe of SOUTH AFRICA.

However, I never stopped trying (as my grandma says, never give up until you succeed/die) and things do improve between us. How, When, Where,Why..Cya soon

That’s enough for now!

PS: I didn’t even ask her name and why this hell on earth, I asked first “where she stays” owing to the fact that I already knew the exact x, y, z coordinates of her house.

PS 2: Remember guys, you dare not mock your girl’s dad in any circumstances. You can mock her friends, even relatives and as a matter of fact, even her boyfriend(s) (actually, she may like it, she may think that you are the one who really understands) but never her DAD.

PPS 3: still reading????