Thursday, December 2, 2010

Embarrassment De Maxo

After the tremendous success of my last post “how to suck @ facebook” (less than 300 clicks out of which 50% were mine... (ATLEAST), No. of Followers reduced by 4 and many others suggested that title of that post should have been “How to suck @ Blogging”), here I come with this ultra embarrassing new post of mine.

School Pledge

I was given this opportunity to deliver the school pledge in front of 2500 students on one Wednesday morning somewhere during mid September in 1997 when I was in class VIth.

My name was called and I, draped in white shirt and brown half-pant (we had full pants from class VIIth), well prepared, went to the stage confidently, adjusted the mike (the overaction that I have seen everyone does) and started.

Me: India is my country.

Everyone: India is my country.

Me: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

Everyone: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

And then suddenly


I forgot, damn I forgot everything.

Zero all around, I panicked and I panicked to that extreme that, forget the pledge, if someone would have asked who am I, I would have used 2 of the 3 KBC’s lifelines.

Meanwhile, there was a gap of 7-8 seconds of pin drop silence of 2500 plus 1 student inside the school campus. Everyone was staring at me, eyes fixed and I stood there dumb like a complete bunghole. Fortunately, the choir behind me came to the rescue.

Someone from back: I love my country

Me: I love my country

Everyone: I love my country

And again, in this way, I started, trying hard to regain the lost momentum, however soon I crashed. Her voice was so low that I was not able to interpret what she is saying. So, in order to listen what she is murmuring, I (literally) turned back and just whispered,



This second bold, red colored, 16 font size, highlighted WHATTT (with a sound intensity of 140 decibels) was not from me but from the bunch of LKG/UKG students who constituted the 1st two rows of the morning assembly and were imitating blindly to everything what I was saying (IF ANY).AND did I mention the chortling laugh of 2500 students that followed by, yeaahh, truly motivating it was.

All I can say is”Thanks to the ISO-9000 CERTIFIED SANYO Mike that ensured everyone, in every nook and cranny of the campus, to hear that “WHATTTT””. I am equally thankful to my honorable Principal Madam whose red angry eyes assured that next year also I will be probably wearing half pants only.

I remember guys, after couple of minutes, my condition became so miserable that the crowd, which, according to the rules, has to retell my lines, were telling 1st and I was the one who was repeating the same.

Crowd :In the well being and prosperity...& so on.

Me: In the well being and prosperity....& so on.

And yeaahh, u guessed it right, they finished first.

I took a week long leave after that incident.

Smooch Scene

I went to Manipal Institute of Technology for counseling somewhere in June 2005. One evening, I was strolling around the campus when I saw a couple cuddling around in a not so concealed area. The boy suddenly sneaked his hand inside the girl’s.....bag, opened the BAG, and started fumbling with the BAG( guys, I am pretty sure that u understood what BAG signifies here). Thereafter, they started osculating. The intensity of the kiss was directly proportional to the number of people around (and there were many).After few seconds, I felt like confused that has the girl lose her ring or something inside the guy’s mouth? Cos she was constantly burring herself more and more inside his mouth, the more she buried, the more my mouth gaped and my balls widened............( Eyeballs assholes Eyeballs).

You guys must be pondering that what is embarrassing in that, well NOTHING as such except for a 45 year person who was standing just beside me, looking in the same direction with same utter dismay and to whom I have been calling DAD for last 18 years of mine.

I turned towards him , he turned towards me

I smiled, he smiled

And I just said” “eeewww, I hate this place”

I loved it though, heaven of my dreams

He just smiled and walked away. I followed him not before peeking the last glance of the fist Live Porno I ever watched.

PS: I am still not over that gang bang of mine (child abuse in short)

PPS: I still repent why I didn’t go to Manipal.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

how people suck @ FB

I read it somewhere that the highest population in 2020 will be in
  • India
  • China
  • Facebook
L.I.F.E. In Facebook is Exotic indeed, however,thanks to many that sometimes it looks like more of Exhausting instead of Exotic..

This are the just few aspects I see that really piss me off every single time, the extend of being pissed off can't be expressed in words though i am trying my level best to put the same
  1. Those who put Ultra-sentimental status messages(SM) every now and then:
U must have come across some SMs( or may have posted even in your wall) like. "I am broke and the one who broke it can only fix it" or "tears from my eyes in which she gazed once.

Yaaaawwwwwnnnnnn(I know its not polite but atleast its honest)

All I can say is Dude, get a life(or atleast, spare mine),
I have seen that even the quotes they keep as their SMs are generally copy,paste from some external sources and are not original. Just imagine, even,in the days of deepest gloom and despair, they don't forget to google "emotional/sentimental quotes" , and then Ctrl+Cing & Ctrl+Ving directly to their respective SM boxes. Feels like they dont even want to think deeply on their deepest gloom.

2. Those who alway cry

OMG, I am badly fucked, my life sucks etc etc.

Serious suggestion: why just dont you jump from the 15th floor of any building and see what happens. you can always share your views thereafter at your very own comunity ""

3. Those who use excessive high sounding english words in their SMs

yeaahh, I am talking about those who write "scintillating,scintillating asteriod minim" instead of twinke, twinke little star as their SMs

Dude, Dude, Dude, try your hands at GRE not on FB. apart from that, I sincerely hope that you screw these exams so badly that forget STANFORD, even SARLA BAI INSTITUE OF CERTIFIED ASSHOLES deny you a validated degree.These guys deserve the standing ovation of my middle finger.

4. Those who keep optimistic SMs no matter what.

What i mean is no matter whether they failed in 2 out of 5 exams or got 30.24%ile in CAT, their SMs will be something like
"someday sun wil shine just for me and i will rule the world"
(ok ok, got it, you are talking about the DAY when India will win the WC football defeating BRAZIL 10-0)
or some thing like"I am just waiting for the right time and right place"
(Sure sure,Cya, next millenium at planet jupiter)

5. FB Application users. ( Prayer time:dear god, please confer me the golden oppurtunity of hanging these guys till death so that my soul can rest in peace)
  • Worst is DAILY HOROSCOPE, it seems like may has subscibed to this because every morning, when I sign in my FB account, the 1st( perhaps 2nd, 3rd,4th....also)thing is this only.These people should be buried 11 feet under the ground ALIVE and while burring them, their daily horoscopes should be read loudly.
  • The other application I truly hate is " XYZ has new answers to unlock" application.When you unlock these "do or die" rated questions, you will come across questions like
a. do you think XYZ should do laundry more often.
b. do you think XYZ should wear tight clothes.
c. do you think XYZ has a funny looking nose.
etc etc.....( 15-20 Qs like these)

I am damn sure, none of XYZ, me or you or, as a matter of fact, even the Aborigines of Western Australia are anyhow bothered about it.i dont know why people do these( probably,i have to ask rajnikanth).What for these guys, well, nothing special,just rub their skin with sandpaper and then soak them in lemon juice.In between pull out their body hairs with a rusted pair of tweesers followed by fingernails and toenails

3. "How true is your love" application, when I played this game( or whatever it is), i got 98% (career best).I was smiling sheepishly coz it was true
30% for anamika
20% for tanya
35% for swati
13% for neha
but this smile was short lived coz when girls play the same game( or whatever it is) and get the same score, they also smile sheepishly as it is true for them also
30% from vineet
20% from sonu
35% from Rajesh
13% from anil
"please note that dese days, vineet, sonu, rajesh,anil can be replaced by vineeta,sonia, rajeshwari and anita also.....changing times u see"

Trust me guys, when Mark Zuckerberg, sitting in the cosy armchair eating caramel popcorn, sees these people, he must be laughing his ass off and muttering, hey assholes, because of you guys only, FACEBOOK is worth billions.

However, I thank FB for proffering me with options of
1. Hide this post
2. Hide all by Username(read son of a bitch)
3. mark as spam
which i use quite on a daily basis.
and by the way,what role i play in Facebook......well.....i am just a facebook stalker who, even being 24 hours online, rarely comes up with any updates but keep himself abreast with all the updates around.In short, Active Nonparticipating Facebook user...

PS:was just pissed off, so pissed on.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

save planet earth

Sensex yet again, touching 21K
Everything seems to be smooth like a comic play.
Economic progress on a rollercoaster ride,
Unfortunately, it’s the moral progress that’s completely denied

We are cutting the evergreen forest,
We are victimizing our land,
We are polluting our water,
To the maximum possible extent we can.

Now lay everywhere,
Tones of discarded waste.
Still 70% water around,
Hardly of this fit to taste.

Thank god, our powers are a bit shunned,
Else we would have molested the sun.
Thank god, we don’t have wings to fly,
Else we would have butchered the sky.

The shameless stuff ,
Is that we bluff.
We know about 1411 tigers left,
We know about global warming,
Keeping ourself sedentary
Is what makes this alarming.

Only thing we do
Is we show our feigned concern.
That too only on facebook
By pressing “like” button.

We must profess
We are like tumor in the brain.
To all these nuisance around
It’s us to be blamed.


Nature will strike back,
To overcome these days of loom.
Watching tsunamis and hurricanes
It feels like Judgment day is coming soon.

Time has changed
But principle remains the same.
To command the Mother Nature
Just obey the rule she sets..

Whenever I see the verdant verdure around
And the grace of star studded sky
It just makes me feel
There is something money can’t buy

Let’s celebrate Earth day
Today, Tomorrow and Everyday.
AND right now humming the famous Bryan Adam’s song
DONT FORGET “this is the place where we belong”


Friday, July 30, 2010

Booze party @ NITW

To begin with, I am not an alcoholic, but I have always been a integral part of all booze parties.
Reason:its total fun.

20th Feb 2009,
Final Year
14th block terrace,
around 9:30 pm

Everyone assembled at the terrace,super-excited,enthusiastic,with lots of targets whirling inside their mind. Sparkling eyes tells the rest of the story.Believe me guys, the only place where I have seen the same energy levels amongst guys was Common Hall, Block 13 in our college where everyone use to assemble together to watch sleazy flicks at midnight during 1st year.

As usual, the party started with few "meant to be broken promises" like

1. Today, I wont drink more than 2 pegs.(LOL)
2. Today, gonna be the last day of my alcoholism.(ULTRALOL)
3. Today, no drama afterwards.(ROTFLOL)

So things started to move, Being a non-drinker,I was assaying the whole crowd. Almost everyone had 1 glass half filled with RCs, Fosters etc etc.Bartender Kammo/Ron was serving others with full dexterity taking the occasional sips in between.

After sometime
Me: Oye Katte(real name AMIT), you said you won't drink more than 2 pegs and now you are gulping down the whole bottle of RC.
About Amit, well, he only drinks in two occasions:
1. when he is thirsty.
2. when he is not.
Katta (with a legendary PJ): yaar, I promised to have 2 pegs but did I mention anything about bottles....
I pleaded for Apology.

1st hour was smooth, it was only after an hour when things geared up. When the ones who take more time to reach THE HIGH starts targeting those who reach it in a very short span of time.

Dev sir, aap batao! aapse woh ladki pati kyun nahin jisper aap bohut senti they?
Dev(somewhat @ HIGH): leave man, dont ask, today we are having a gala time. I don't want to spoil everyone's mood.

Rathi didn't asked again.
After another 5 min
Dev:You want to know na why things didn't worked out between me n PIRYA(name "almost changed" on Dev's request)...
and then he gazed towards Rathi..he was busy somewhere , least bothered about what Dev is babbling....

Dev contd: Since you are insisting, I will tell u.
It was only after 20 min when Rathi realized the gravity of his mistake.
As expected, Dev was never ending, giving every minute details, some original, some fake. Felt like watching kahani ghar ghar ki without any breaks in between.

Dev( with sudden adrenaline rush): Why this happened to me, Why Why Why,Where I was wrong.Where,Where Where,How come I was back stabbed,( I anticipated another HOW,HOW, HOW in my mind,though it didn't happen)Damn, I lost her.
The pinnacle of emotional drama followed.

"I wil never get her. I still love her.I cant forget her" and then

uuuuuaaaaa uuuuuuuaaaaaa uuuuuaaaaa

(Dev gonna kill me for this)

He was hemmed in by everyone. All started to give those Socrates kinda superhuman suggestions.Worst, some even started to narrate their experiences.


In between, me and Kammo,standing near the edge of the terrace were laughing like anything
Me : wat an asshole
Kammo: Whatever, this guy made my day.

Then commenced another melodrama
Katta this time
He came to me and said:I want to talk to you, its very personal and I want just you and me. Is it possible for you.

Guys, thats what Katta told me in ENGLISH..I never understand that why people tend to speak English after they are drunk.

Katta: Vineet,
mein teri waali ko line nahin maarta.mujhe pata hai tere ko yehi lagta hai per plzz yaar really bata raha hoon,ekdum sach sach(AND IN HINDI ALSO),mein kabhi bhi uske peeche nahi bhaagta,maa kasam.
Now,this he wanted to say to me in private and trust me while telling, he was so loud(3D dolby-digital with cinema surround sound) that few more from the 2nd floor came listening.

And then came Ravi Goyal
fully drunk, legs shaking, hands trembling
Bhai, tu mujhe apna bhai nahin maanta,
Before I start questioning/explaining

Ravi: But I consider you as my brother,(ohhhh,again damn to English) beaaccccaauuuuse( it took him 3-4 seconds to spell it) its u only with whom i can share my Dil-ki-baat.Can I tell you bhai?

His 15-20 minutes DIL-KI-BAAT was a real pain in the ass.Though, I must confess that when he concluded, I felt good .
Its because eventually he said: bhai, I am telling this just to u only because you are very close to me and I really feel you understand me(!@#$). I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?
Me: no way, dude
Ravi: I love u bhai
me : yuckkkk

I have heard that after being drunk, people do blurt out truth . I was happy coz someone considered me that way.
15 min later
I saw Ravi with Satpal
and see what Ravi was telling
Ravi: bhai, I am telling this just to you only because you are very close to me and I feel you can really understand that. I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?

Me to Satpal: he told the same story just now to me also.
Satpal: he has been telling me the same story for last 3 booze parties, I have memorized it by now. By any chance, if he forget any part while telling, I remind him also.

Hence, 1 more myth was cleared..drinkers are liars too.

Story isn't over yet( Ohhh Shit)
After every single drop of liquor got over, left to do nothing,everyone started teasing Motu(ankit)
Everyone: u don't have the balls to talk to that girl motey, u suck, u don't have bones.
MOTU: bring the phone, u suckers, just bring the phone, I will call her right now,u see, don't you guys ever dare to challenge me.
Some son of a bitch took motu's phone only n dialed the no.(loudspeaker mode)

Ring Ring
thathak(some1 picked up the call)
Motu: Hellllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo (as loud as possible,)
Gal:whoz dis(with full American ascent)
Motu:Saali, tu mere se pat ti kyun nahin.Bata saali,bata. Saali mere mein problem hee kya hai.Kya kami hai mere mein jo tu mere ko dekh kar muh fer leti hai.

The gal started listing all his shortcomings .

Motu(after some 2 min,with full force): Chup saali, Bohut bolti hai
and then SHE(& not HE) hung up the phone.
Guys, this was real fun. Won't forget ever.
However, after this bacchanalia got over,the real hassle started for the non-drinkers like me. Many have puked,many were lying here n there. Me, Sourab, Balai etc have to make sure that everyone reach their respective rooms comfortably.
However, while we were carrying the wobbling Katta, he suddenly lost his temper.
Katta:Ron, I am not drunk, I am fully conscious and I can reach to my room on my own. I don't need anyone's assistance.
Guy: hmmm, I know, by the way I am not Ron, I am Vineet.
AND finally when I was coming down the stairs, this is what I heard,
Ravi was telling to Sourab:bhai, I telling this just to u only because you are very close to me and I feel you can really understand that. I have not told this to anyone before. Don't tell to anyone bhai. plzzz. u won't na bhai?

I love that guy.

PS1: sorry for writing such a long post.
Ps2; those who blurt out their secrets when drunk are not the REAL drinkers.
PS3: happy friendship day guys

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

facebook ON

Guys, I m not here to come up with 10 more reasons “how Facebook sucks” and then put up the status msg “heyy! Check my new post” facebook on” on my FB wall to promote the same.
I am just writing this post out of utter ennui (yeaaah, I am in office) penning my experiences with FB in last 1 year.
When I was new to this FB thing, I generally use to come up with some funny status msg so as to amass some comments and popularity
I never got any.
But 1 thing I did notice, no matter what crap a girl keeps as a status on her wall, lots of comments use to flood in. I would like to cite one incident
1 girl, say G, wrote on her wall
5 min later a comment popped from a guy X
X: what happened dear?
(Man, do you think you need “something to happen” to have a Yawn)
That’s exactly what Y (another guy) counter-commented, a minute later
X (re-replied): why are you getting jealous Y?
And then crusade of comments kicked off.
X and Y fighting on the wall of G were like India and Pakistan fighting on the battle land of Japan.
M, K, D joined the war too.
Believe it, after another 2 hours or so, as many as 43 comments have been made on that ordinary status msg, in between there were few comments from the girl itself wailing “ heyy, stop this, this is my wall”( though she never deleted that msg)
Q, D, R and 7 other likes it.
Trust me guys, if I would have had 500+ friends in my friend list and would have came up with something like this on my wall , I am rest assured that my wall would have stayed virgin.

Not only this, myriad times I have seen that a fair descent pic of a guy merely emanating any comments but if a girl even keeps a pic of her sandal, u can see the flow of comments and a sequence of ‘likes it’.

There is only 1 case when something written on girls’ wall remain comment less,
That’s when, a guy writes on the girl’s wall
“heyy, wassup?? Where are you these days? Whats your new phone number”
And then…….the silence prevails
Sometimes, guys do flare up when they didn’t get the fair amount of anticipated comments and then they come up with something like “even FB has become boring these days” though they persistently add/make 2-3 msg/comments every day.
Overall, FB is a wonderful place to shit on others but when you shit on your own wall, no one spits back over it.
In love with FB (even sometimes as a mere spectator only)
PS 1: well, 1 more thing I have noticed though, that if a girl, out of nowhere, comments on a guy’s wall, comments gonna pile up for sure. Add at least 10 more comments if her profile pic suggests that she is beautiful.
PS 2: no offence guys, just getting bored so came up with this.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Life @ DPS(Delhi Public School) Vindhyanagar

28th April,2000, around 7 am in the morning

My 1st day in a new school( in class IXth)

I was standing outside the school gate gazing at the school edifice, a bit lost, supplemented by jittery when suddenly a bike jostled passed me, almost hitting me out and then rushed inside the school campus.

I squalled: “Wot d HELL”,

The guy didn’t give a shit and went away.

Well, that’s the first magic moment I remember about being in DPS. Many more to come I presumed.

Making my way into the class, escorted by none, I was quite aware of the unwanted attention I m gonna get. Same happened. As soon as I embarked inside, everyone environed me and then hell lot of questions were shot. It felt like more of a NARCO test than a mere intro. Worse, whenever a teacher enters into the classroom, whole class erupts hollering “Sir, new face, Sir new face” . (arey , I am carrying this new face for last 14 years)Then again begins the same set of questions. I stammered a lot while answering as I was not that fluent in English that time (pls don’t ask the current status) but somehow I managed. I continued to be a NEW FACE for at least next 2 weeks.

Already having a high opinion about DPS that it’s a hub of highbrows, well furnished classrooms and clean bathrooms (relatively) just fortified my conception. The school campus was impressive and so were the girls’and even more were their debonair skirts. Few skirts were so small that sometimes I felt that they are wearing the same skirt since class 4th. (Mind u, I was in class IXth).

DPS was ofcourse different. Bunch of cool guys and hot girls (conditions applied) using all those status-defining words like Cool man, Yo baby, Wassup Dude etc etc do attracted me initially. Unlike my previous school, English seems to be the communicating language here. (At least when u are speaking to a girl). Even I became use to this show-off life soon. I remember after few months, when, yet again, I was standing outside the school campus gazing at the edifice, a bit lost when suddenly a bike jostled passed me almost hitting me out, thereafter rushing inside the school campus,
I squalled: W
ot the FUCK (saw the difference?)

And this time, that guy returned the favor by showing up his middle finger.

All I can say, it was Cooooooolllllll

Nevertheless, Morning assembly was harrowing. Scheduled to start at 7:30am, I never saw it to begin before 7:50. Other than that, every aspect of it sucks. The real pain in the ass was the when the commander of the assembly announces” Now I will request our honorable (=?) Principal sir to please address the assembly” and believe me, u can see, in unison, 3000 head dropping dead altogether.

Holy shit, his addressing, or rather molesting, of assembly lasts for almost 45 min daily. Standing in scorching summer with sweat dripping down the skin, I must confess, this task was horrendous. He use to start with” Yesterday I have told that…..” and then whatever he has told yesterday, he repeats it and then only comes to TODAY’s business. Just imagine our pathetica after weekends. Everyone, from a mere class 2nd toddler to the elite panel of teachers used to curse him but still it continued every single day.

However few incidents do happened that I will never ever forget in my entire life.Gonna mention 1 as of now.

Somewhere around September, 2000

Biology class,

Chapter: Life Process-2(This chapter dealt with human reproductive system­)

I can see the anticipation in everyone’s eyes before the class. I was quite sure that everyone knew everything but still, during the class, everyone was giving “ wots this shit all about look. While madam was explaining even the minute explicit details of the chapter, she never even tried to raise her head from the book. Probably she was also knowing that these guys do know everything. In between,I saw a lot many guys giggling in mischief, girls were literally biting their lips to control the urge and damn! trust me,few guys were making notes as well. Mam, after finishing the lesson, asked as usual, whether anyone is having any doubts or something, to my utter disbelief, one guy raised his hand. Whole class turned towards that guy with an immense anticipation.

This guy didn't let us down

The guy just said "mam, we want practical".

Whole class burst into laughter.

Few more incidents in the next post.

PS:back to using the word HELL these days.

PS2: I was not that guy.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Chat rooms !!!Accept or Decline

Mid may,2007, at home
Around 1 o'clock in the night,
Enough of boredom,I opened on my Laptop,logged on to Yahoo-messenger only to find no one online. Irritated, I entered one of the chat room as Vineet_insomniac,pinged few girls(>10).
Result:lots of my HIs and their instant BYEs .
AND then, BANG, a eccentric brain wave hit my mind. I came outside the chat room,changed my profile name to...well....alone_arpita.

Bounced Back @ Chat Room Mumbai..
Within 2 minutes,3 guys pinged me with HI, ROSES attached with it.
Another guy:ASL(to the point I guess)

I didnt replied, very much like every typical gals do,felt the rejoice in ignoring.

Another guy(straight away): ”Why so alone Arpita”
As soon as I read this guy's msg, I knew that I have got my BAKRA for the night.
So I started
Sameer:Why so alone Arpita?
Me(as Arpita):Nothing as such,life is like a S C R A M B L E D file for me.Pissed off.Just leave me alone.

Just imagine, i wanted to be left alone n to possess that serenity, I have stepped inside a chat room :)
That sucker didnt catch that.

Sameer: feels like u r hvn a bad time. trust me, jus chat with me fr sumtym n u gonna b all well.Many frnds find me soothing.
Me: fine, wats ur name?
Sameer: myself Sameer,I m 22?how old are u?
Me : I am 22 too
Sameer: Frm were?
Me: Mumbai.
Me : Wat do u do sameer?
Sameer:come on Dear, call me SAM, we r friends now yaar.
( MY goodness, its nt even 5 lines and we r friends??
Wacko!!!!, as per this guy, we shud hv a baby boy by 100 lines n probably twins at 200)

me: k
Sam: wat do u do arpita?
Me: Final Year, ABC College
Sam: Must be Placed by now!
ME: yeaahhh
Sam: wer?
Me: Jord International
Sam: Watz the package?
Me: 55000 per annum.
Sam: man, that’s too low, how u gonna manage?
Me: excuse me, that’s 55000$ per annum, job in Sydney. Mind ur language. And dont u bother abt my managing skills...blah blah......
Sam: fine fine fine, I am sorry ARPI
Me: Arpi?????? call me Arpita, u hv given the privilege,not me, u got it?
Sam: oh so sorry, u r very short tempered gal i presume.
Me: yeaah, sort of, I m sorry fr dat.

(His maafinama went fr some more time and then the casual chat resumed, Guys,I was waiting fr the real moment, when his dark concealed desires eventually burst out , The "LETS TALK DIRTY" stuff. Here came the awaited moment .

Sam: I can understand, why don’t u tell me ur story, sharing sadness divides it
Me(as coldly as possible): nt interested
Sam: fine, let me distract u frm ur pensive gloom.u dont look good wen u r sad.
Me: what, hw cm u knw dat?
Sam: just felt it.

( I was ROTFLOLing)

Sam: lets talk on some other issues then,nythn dat can distract u
Me: like
Sam: Like hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: like watt hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Sam: okk fine lets talk abt sumthn nasty like murder,thrillers or say sex...
Me: wat ?
Sam: I mean if u r matured enuff.
Me: yeaah, I am matured enuff.

Sam: then lets DISCUSS on sex.
Me: fine, wat u wanna discuss?
Sam: okk fine, say...watz ur figure?
Me: didnt get u,wat u mean by dat?
Sam: I mean wats ur size of...silence

and then my melodrama kick-offs.
me: I knew it I knew it,All guys r like that only. U r a bastard, sex-maniac, dats wat u all guys r interested in, sex sex sex sex sex. dont u hv mom,sis in ur home (damn,this dialogue looks pretty cool in hindi), I thought of a good friend in u bt u r real asshole like all others. Don’t talk to me, Ever. I hate u.

(I was loving it though)

Now, look how this guy handles the situation.

Sam: heyy arpita I was just kidding yaar, I was checking if u r also like other characterless gals, I m impressed u didn’t talk dirty. I liked it, I was really analyzing, believe me,
And the worst part

Sam: Mother's promise,arpita!

I was chortling like anything. Banging my head against the pillar.
But arpita was broken.

Me(as arpita): I don’t trust u. :(
Sam : arpita,believe me, I don’t belong to dose low standard pathetic guys. We r from royal delhi family, we hv sum ethics
me : really???
Sam: Trust me arpita, trust me.
Me: u can call me Arpi,

Thereafter we chatted fr another half n hour then as usual like a typical B grade movie hero he said

Sam: u knw wat arpita,u r d 1st gal I hv ever had chatted fr so long, feel like I m getting lost, come-on arpita. we can b BEST frnds naa, infact even more.

(ooooollllllllllaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllaaaaaa moment) well captured.

Me: hopefully we wil,bt stil its too early to comment sam, I mean, trust me even I m talking to a stranger fr dat long n still didn’t lose the interest. u r a nice guy sam, I like d way u talk. U make me smile.

Inside story”Saala kamina”

And then, the very next as expected Qs
Sam: can u show me ur pics?
Me: man its too personal and too early as well, come on, how come in just 1 chat I can show u
few more U DONT TRUST ME rhymes.

me: if u gonna plead again , I m gonna sign off.
Sam: fine fine,i wont ask bt just tell me how u look
Me: well I m around 5’6 lean and fair, U?
A file popped up with an option ACCEPT OR DECLINE, I accepted and saw his pic, looks like a guy who has been absconding from Tihar jail since 2001,big beard, a bit storky,Dark like coal-tar.

Goshhh!! Am I giving A Description of a guy????? yuckkkkkkk
He sucks.. dats it
Me( now as arpita) : u look quaint, nice looks by the way,and ur specs r cool.
Sam: thnks.I know.

After another 10 min,

Sam: Angel, I just wanna listen to u 1ce, I wont call u again, just 1ce. Can I hv ur no.
After initial NAKHDAS and over action, I agreed
Gave my ph. no.
After 1 min

My phone was vibrating.

I picked up the call and said
Police head quarters, NEW can I help you?
nayee delhi police mukhyalaya, mein aapki kaise madad kar sakta hoon?
(Seems to be a Police customer care and support center rather than a Headquarter)

Beep beep beep beep
He hung up
I waited for sometime, no response. Then I called him. No-one answered.tried 3 times n then he finally picked up the phone.

Me: sir, we just got a call frm ur no.Why u called at this hour?
Sam: sir, just a mistake
ME in an excruciating ,guttural tone: how dare u did dat, dont u hv the slightest idea dat just 1 call of urs like this can end up as a 3 months imprisonment or Rs 500000 penalty or both fr u.
Sam: sorry, sorry......n times....tending to infinity.

Back to me(arpita)

me: Idiot, dont worry,no police HQs, chillax, nothn gonna happen,no 50000 fine n no imprisionment,just 1 thng,u r my Bakra fr d day
Sam: hehehehe I knew u r a guy. Frm d very 1sr wrd only;
and then followed sum slangs embellished with various family members designations,
that session took other 15 min.

me: LMFAO,u suck man,dork, wipe ur face off n jus remember, stay alert wen online.

Overall,it was a fun-fledged night for me,damn i enjoyed.

PS1: That son of a bitch was again online in the same chat room the very next day.
PS2: Anyhow, did I mention, once even I chatted with a gal with the same ID alone_arpita?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Broken Breaths :(

3rd Jan,2001

At Home

It was around 2am when I suddenly woke up. I felt a certain twinge of pain in my chest. I t didn't took me way long to figure out that the cold has again knocked me over. Still, I never thought that this night is going to be the longest night of my life if ever I gonna make it till dawn.

Guys, I suffer from Asthma, a non-deadly disease that makes every second of your life ,worth dying. Under attack, It just feels like someone out of nowhere suddenly looms in front of you and tries to choke you down with a pillow or strangle you to death with a wire or a rope.

So as usual as ever before, I tried to ignore the pain and closed my eyes to sleep. Deep inside ,my intuition told me that something is terribly wrong. After around 10 min, in sleep, I felt that my breaths are becoming more convulsive. I woke up and as soon as I open my eyelids, a gush of prolong and racking cough supervened. Felt like my chest has been crucified and soon my arteries gonna fly off from the chasm in my lungs.

I sat over the quilt. Tried to distract my attention from the perennial cough chain but cough failed to cease. In fact, it became more intense, more tormenting and worst of all, more louder. I didn’t want to wake my Mom n Dad up so in order to suppress the sound of my vexatious coughing; I put some handkerchiefs inside my mouth. I saw the clock, it was still not 3. I started searching for Corex, a cough syrup that had always subdued my pain in these crisis times, I checked out every drawer, slided it out with utmost precision so that no one wakes up. Eventually, when I found the bottle, I was enormously relieved but that elation was short-lived as I noticed further that only few drops are remaining. I drank it, though almost sure that this minuscule quantity won’t do any good to me. Same happened. In fact worst, because of the handkerchiefs inside my mouth, normal air entry was hampered as a result of which my breathing rate shot up.

Yet again I went back to bed, trying to sleep. Laying down straight over my bed was not possible as that invited protracted coughing. So what I did was, just sat over the bed, put some pillows over my lap till the cushion reached my chin level and thereafter placed my head over it. I closed my eyes forcefully, intoning “I have to sleep” but just...nothing worked. Though sitting straight made coughing rather sporadic but the real problem came when I realized, for the 1st time, that I am not able to respire in a proper manner.

Well, when this happens, I generally go for SEROFLO inhaler. My life saver. Throwing away the handkerchiefs from my mouth, I opened the cap, thrust it inside and in haste, started pressing the knob in an errant nonchalant way. Darn it, what came out was just few puffs of plain air. My bungling way of using it made it inoperative.Knob went loose and hence of no use.

Trust me guys, at that moment I literally froze. Adrenaline rush spouted through my veins. I panicked. The last resort has failed. Plus the handkerchiefs that were earlier inside my mouth were inadvertently responsible for the clock ticking against my favor. I gaped my mouth wide open to inhale as much air as possible but lungs revolted. I was breathing but nothing came inside as if there is vacuum all around. Losing the battle, I rushed out to the window, yanked it open and tried to absorb all the air outside. I was somewhat fainting, that what happens if the air supply to the heart is meager.

When I turned back, with my vision almost blurred and me almost dropping down, I saw my MOM, she looked aberrant; horrified eyes, almost trembling, dumb and obtuse; she took some time to regain her senses about the pandemonium that I was going through. She quickly brought the spare inhaler and pumped it inside me, 1 stroke, then 2, 3, 4...every puff comfort is beyond words. Just imagine how you gonna feel if you are being strangled to death and then when you think that its almost over for you now, the grip is loosened and you feel the air going back to your lungs. Guys, that was the Moment. And the "almost dying fish got the much needed water" is all what I can say.

Mom still didn’t speak out a single word. Staring at me,stunned She came and hugged me , and I just relaxed myself in her lap. Breathing back to normal. finally!

PS: Last night, history repeated itself.