honey, I am screwed up again!!!!

When I was a kid my mom use to tell me that there will one such beautiful day when someone very special will land up in your empty heart and will make your life worth living.

Well guys, this entire post is dedicated to that special girl my mom was unknowingly talking about.

To start with, I know this girl since April, 1999. Despite being the girl next door, we never talked for around 1-2 years .I didn’t talk coz I was very shy and she never talked coz……coz she didn’t bother, probably she didn’t even know who I am. Just being an another face in the crowd and crowned yet another admirer of her was something that was definitely not enough to impress that cherubic beauty.

I remember the first time I talked to her, face to face, and trust me guys, I don’t remember anything other than she said “Hi” to me. Even her HI had all surs n taals at right places. I was kinda elated at her greetings coz atleast for that specific second; it was just me who was in her mind.

What I remember is….well… she looked stunning. Porcelain like skin with ebony black hair not to mention those pink gossamer lips that whenever parted would have compelled even Mona Lisa to smile. Can’t dare to forget those dark penetrating eyes fabricated with long sharp lashes that sometimes blink so slooooowwwllllly that u could feel the very core of your heart melting deep inside in ecstasy. When she speaks, it feels like a cold zephyr near Pacific at midnight under the sheet of refulgent moonlight setting the strings of your very heart to play some distinct staccato. Has she smiled, those dimples indenturing her cheeks, and I would have just sighed in contentment. The best feature was the fringe of her hair that used to come over her face every now and then and she elegantly, without being slightly perturbed, puts it back behind her ears. Believe me, for last 10 minutes, I am searching for a perfect word to express that quaint feeling I had at that point of time and as of now, I accept defeat.

Being clean bowled by her angelic beauty, I maneuvered all the basic steps needed to amass any of her attention. I even Googled “how to make a girl fall for you”. And after hours of vigorous study, what I realized is that every research insisted on two things;

1. Stay cool.

2. Crack a joke.

Few days later, one evening, I did get an opportunity to talk to her and this is what happened

Me (Folding up my arms, the "stay cool part"): So you are the one who recently got transferred to this place?

She: Yes

Me: Where is your house?

She: that right block, top floor

Me (with a wink): ohh, so you are the neighbor of that semi bald guy having those funny Charlie Chaplin moustache who use to laugh violently for no reason.(that was my JOKE)

She started laughing (and I patted my back thinking,heyy this really works), THEN the tone of her laugh changed, THEN it became weird and THEN suddenly she became quiet and THENNN she said those three golden words that I really hope you guys do hear it million times before you die ”hez my dad”

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The number of dots between this line and the last one is the no. of paused seconds we had.

Me (with a shameless smile): well, he seems to be a real knowledgeable guy.

(DAMAGE CONTROL of no use, it was just like planting a TULSI sapling @ Hiroshima to control future environmental pollution just a minute after the atom bomb was dropped).

From that point of time, she started treating me like manure that has grown up with legs and hands. She always gave me her stern cold but glaring gazes. I apologized zillion times but with no success.

No surprises, I had caricature such a disastrous picture of mine in her heart that if ever anyone would have asked her views about me, she would have come up with something like this

“What I remember is...well...he looked horrible. God must have been in awful mood while creating him. Skin like roads of Bihar with dirty black hair curled up in mud just assures that designing team @ god's place is newly recruited. Not to mention those thin colorless lips that whenever parted could have compelled even Leonardo Da Vinci to draw Mona Lisa crying. Can’t forget his long dark hairy eyebrows with blunt eyelashes that never blinked while talking to me...yeeewww, how come he was not offered the role of KRRURR Singh in CHANDRAKANTA, ohh got it, probably he was busy playing the character of UGLY NAKED GUY in FRIENDS. Marrying a guy like him would have ensured the next 7 generation of mine, a permanent membership in the ZULU tribe of SOUTH AFRICA.

However, I never stopped trying (as my grandma says, never give up until you succeed/die) and things do improve between us. How, When, Where,Why..Cya soon

That’s enough for now!

PS: I didn’t even ask her name and why this hell on earth, I asked first “where she stays” owing to the fact that I already knew the exact x, y, z coordinates of her house.

PS 2: Remember guys, you dare not mock your girl’s dad in any circumstances. You can mock her friends, even relatives and as a matter of fact, even her boyfriend(s) (actually, she may like it, she may think that you are the one who really understands) but never her DAD.

PPS 3: still reading????

Embarrassment De Maxo

After the tremendous success of my last post “how to suck @ facebook” (less than 300 clicks out of which 50% were mine... (ATLEAST), No. of Followers reduced by 4 and many others suggested that title of that post should have been “How to suck @ Blogging”), here I come with this ultra embarrassing new post of mine.

School Pledge

I was given this opportunity to deliver the school pledge in front of 2500 students on one Wednesday morning somewhere during mid September in 1997 when I was in class VI^th.

My name was called and I, draped in white shirt and brown half-pant (we had full pants from class VII^th), well prepared, went to the stage confidently, adjusted the mike (the overaction that I have seen everyone does) and started.

Me: India is my country.

Everyone: India is my country.

Me: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

Everyone: All Indians are my brothers and sisters.

And then suddenly

B L A C K O U T

I forgot, damn I forgot everything.

Zero all around, I panicked and I panicked to that extreme that, forget the pledge, if someone would have asked who am I, I would have used 2 of the 3 KBC’s lifelines.

Meanwhile, there was a gap of 7-8 seconds of pin drop silence of 2500 plus 1 student inside the school campus. Everyone was staring at me, eyes fixed and I stood there dumb like a complete bunghole. Fortunately, the choir behind me came to the rescue.

Someone from back: I love my country

Me: I love my country

Everyone: I love my country

And again, in this way, I started, trying hard to regain the lost momentum, however soon I crashed. Her voice was so low that I was not able to interpret what she is saying. So, in order to listen what she is murmuring, I (literally) turned back and just whispered,

WHATTTTT ?

WHATTTTT

This second bold, red colored, 16 font size, highlighted WHATTT (with a sound intensity of 140 decibels) was not from me but from the bunch of LKG/UKG students who constituted the 1^st two rows of the morning assembly and were imitating blindly to everything what I was saying (IF ANY).AND did I mention the chortling laugh of 2500 students that followed by, yeaahh, truly motivating it was.

All I can say is”Thanks to the ISO-9000 CERTIFIED SANYO Mike that ensured everyone, in every nook and cranny of the campus, to hear that “WHATTTT””. I am equally thankful to my honorable Principal Madam whose red angry eyes assured that next year also I will be probably wearing half pants only.

I remember guys, after couple of minutes, my condition became so miserable that the crowd, which, according to the rules, has to retell my lines, were telling 1^st and I was the one who was repeating the same.

Crowd :In the well being and prosperity...& so on.

Me: In the well being and prosperity....& so on.

And yeaahh, u guessed it right, they finished first.

I took a week long leave after that incident.

Smooch Scene

I went to Manipal Institute of Technology for counseling somewhere in June 2005. One evening, I was strolling around the campus when I saw a couple cuddling around in a not so concealed area. The boy suddenly sneaked his hand inside the girl’s.....bag, opened the BAG, and started fumbling with the BAG( guys, I am pretty sure that u understood what BAG signifies here). Thereafter, they started osculating. The intensity of the kiss was directly proportional to the number of people around (and there were many).After few seconds, I felt like confused that has the girl lose her ring or something inside the guy’s mouth? Cos she was constantly burring herself more and more inside his mouth, the more she buried, the more my mouth gaped and my balls widened............( Eyeballs assholes Eyeballs).

You guys must be pondering that what is embarrassing in that, well NOTHING as such except for a 45 year person who was standing just beside me, looking in the same direction with same utter dismay and to whom I have been calling DAD for last 18 years of mine.

I turned towards him , he turned towards me

I smiled, he smiled

And I just said” “eeewww, I hate this place”

I loved it though, heaven of my dreams

He just smiled and walked away. I followed him not before peeking the last glance of the fist Live Porno I ever watched.

PS: I am still not over that gang bang of mine (child abuse in short)

PPS: I still repent why I didn’t go to Manipal.

Life @ DPS(Delhi Public School) Vindhyanagar

28^th April,2000, around 7 am in the morning

My 1^st day in a new school( in class IXth)

I was standing outside the school gate gazing at the school edifice, a bit lost, supplemented by jittery when suddenly a bike jostled passed me, almost hitting me out and then rushed inside the school campus.

I squalled: “Wot d HELL”,

The guy didn’t give a shit and went away.

Well, that’s the first magic moment I remember about being in DPS. Many more to come I presumed.

Making my way into the class, escorted by none, I was quite aware of the unwanted attention I m gonna get. Same happened. As soon as I embarked inside, everyone environed me and then hell lot of questions were shot. It felt like more of a NARCO test than a mere intro. Worse, whenever a teacher enters into the classroom, whole class erupts hollering “Sir, new face, Sir new face” . (arey , I am carrying this new face for last 14 years)Then again begins the same set of questions. I stammered a lot while answering as I was not that fluent in English that time (pls don’t ask the current status) but somehow I managed. I continued to be a NEW FACE for at least next 2 weeks.

Already having a high opinion about DPS that it’s a hub of highbrows, well furnished classrooms and clean bathrooms (relatively) just fortified my conception. The school campus was impressive and so were the girls’and even more were their debonair skirts. Few skirts were so small that sometimes I felt that they are wearing the same skirt since class 4^th. (Mind u, I was in class IXth).

DPS was ofcourse different. Bunch of cool guys and hot girls (conditions applied) using all those status-defining words like Cool man, Yo baby, Wassup Dude etc etc do attracted me initially. Unlike my previous school, English seems to be the communicating language here. (At least when u are speaking to a girl). Even I became use to this show-off life soon. I remember after few months, when, yet again, I was standing outside the school campus gazing at the edifice, a bit lost when suddenly a bike jostled passed me almost hitting me out, thereafter rushing inside the school campus,
I squalled: Wot the FUCK (saw the difference?)

And this time, that guy returned the favor by showing up his middle finger.

All I can say, it was Cooooooolllllll

Nevertheless, Morning assembly was harrowing. Scheduled to start at 7:30am, I never saw it to begin before 7:50. Other than that, every aspect of it sucks. The real pain in the ass was the when the commander of the assembly announces” Now I will request our honorable (=?) Principal sir to please address the assembly” and believe me, u can see, in unison, 3000 head dropping dead altogether.

Holy shit, his addressing, or rather molesting, of assembly lasts for almost 45 min daily. Standing in scorching summer with sweat dripping down the skin, I must confess, this task was horrendous. He use to start with” Yesterday I have told that…..” and then whatever he has told yesterday, he repeats it and then only comes to TODAY’s business. Just imagine our pathetica after weekends. Everyone, from a mere class 2^nd toddler to the elite panel of teachers used to curse him but still it continued every single day.

However few incidents do happened that I will never ever forget in my entire life.Gonna mention 1 as of now.

Somewhere around September, 2000

Biology class,

Chapter: Life Process-2(This chapter dealt with human reproductive system­)

I can see the anticipation in everyone’s eyes before the class. I was quite sure that everyone knew everything but still, during the class, everyone was giving “ wots this shit all about” look. While madam was explaining even the minute explicit details of the chapter, she never even tried to raise her head from the book. Probably she was also knowing that these guys do know everything. In between,I saw a lot many guys giggling in mischief, girls were literally biting their lips to control the urge and damn! trust me,few guys were making notes as well. Mam, after finishing the lesson, asked as usual, whether anyone is having any doubts or something, to my utter disbelief, one guy raised his hand. Whole class turned towards that guy with an immense anticipation.

This guy didn't let us down

The guy just said "mam, we want practical".

Whole class burst into laughter.

Few more incidents in the next post.

PS:back to using the word HELL these days.

PS2: I was not that guy.